Saturday, November 11, 2006

Am I normal?

OK, I'm having "a moment," and I need to vent to someone who I know will understand. So, I'm turning to you. (Yes, I've already prayed!)

I laugh when I consider my last blog - how I considered the night to be so strange because it went incredibly smoothly. Tonight was much more "normal." There was arguing, complaining, procrastinating, blaming, threatening, and disobeying. Right about now, I'd like to get used to "abnormal."

I was feeling so discouraged tonight. Though I was still loving my kids, I wasn't liking them much at all. All the petty bickering and mindless complaining they were doing had me at my wits' end. I began to imagine life without them and wondered, "What if?"

"If I didn't have kids..." Wouldn't life be easier if I was alone? If there were no one at my feet saying, "That isn't fair!" If no one splashed water out of the bath tub onto the floor for me to clean up. If no one asked me to do things I don't want to do. Wouldn't life be easier then?

I just spoke to a wonderful group of ladies at a MOPS meeting last night. Tonight, as I was going through this thought process, I rememered sharing with these women about another time when I went through a similar "What if?" series. My conclusion that time was, "If I didn't have kids...I wouldn't be changing." I know God is using them to make me into the woman He wants me to be. I know there is a reason for these trials I face. I know God is good, and all this stuff is for my ultimate good.

But tonight I was feeling rotten. I just sat there thinking about how "easy" it would be if I didn't have kids, and I prayed, "Lord, please remind me how precious these children are. Remind me how much I love them. Remind me how much You love them. Remind that I am blessed to have them and to be their mother. Remind me how empty my life would be without them."

When they were finally all in bed and my husband asked me, "So, what do you want to do now?" I answered him with a simple statement, "I want to cry." And I told him about my thoughts, and I did cry.

I don't want to wish these days away. I don't want to spend my days waiting for the time when raising my children will be "easy." (My mom says that day will never come, anyway!) I want to live each day to it's fullest, and love my kids to the fullest in every day. God knows just what I need in my life to make me holy. I don't like that I struggle with my kids, but I have confidence God knows what He's doing.

I'm not the only mother who feels this way, am I? I'm not the only one who feels a little crazy sometimes, am I? - Waffling between, "These kids are driving me nuts!" and "My life wouldn't be complete without them!" Please, someone tell me I'm normal!


Anonymous said...

I met you at the mops meeting on friday and just wanted to tell you that you are very normal. I was going through the same thing this morning as I was getting the kids ready for church and my husband sat in the chair on the computer and my mther in law finished ironing. I kept wondering what life would be like with no one else to get ready in the mornings, no toys to pick up at night and so on and so forth, What I discovered is that without my family imperfect as they may be life would be very dull. I greatly enjoyed your talk friday evening. I hope all is well with you.


Irritable Mother said...

Thanks, Amy! All IS well, because God is good and I know that will never change.


Anonymous said...

I am rather new at the whole "mommy" thing, but already I can totally relate to your frustration, Karen. Already I have asked myself the same question that you did - "Wouldn't life just be so much easier w/o my son?"... the answer is "yes, it sure would be". However, the Lord never promised anything to be easy in life - especially a Christian life. But EVERYONE knows you love your children more than anything... do you know why? Because you were upset with the fact that you were frustrated with the kids that night - an uncaring mother wouldn't even think twice about being upset with them. I think we are expected to get frustrated and "down" on ourselves... we are human and only one human being, at that! :-)

Irritable Mother said...

Welcome to motherhood - complete with its frustrations and joys! And thank you for your words of encouragement.


Sarah said...

Dear Karen,

I realise this is an old post, but I've only just found your blog today, and I wanted to read from the beginning. You were not alone in riding that fence. I ride it daily. What keeps me committed is remembering what my life was like before I had children - before I got married. It was a lonely, materialistic existence. I had a nice apartment, I didn't have to cook for anyone, I could have a coffee whenever I wanted to, I could buy whatever I wanted to. At the time, I thought it was great. But truly, it was a lonely time for me. I love my babies, and as much as I want to run away sometimes, if I did I wouldn't be able to touch their soft hair, or smell their freshly washed skin, or listen to their squeals of delight in a game of 'chase me, chase you'. I'm loving your blog, and can't wait to catch up!