Like the Lily

I walked out to get the mail yesterday and saw this:

I leaned in closer, and saw this:

And I seriously almost started crying.
Not because I was angry at the deer or rabbit or other critter which so greedily ate my lilies to the ground. (Though I was.)
Not because I was upset that the pest repellant I purchased seemed to have failed.
(Though I was.)
Not because I am still bitter about the critter who ate my flowers last year.
(Though I am.)
Rather, I almost started crying because my heart felt just like that obliterated lily.

That is, prior to going out to check the mail I spent much of the morning feeling defeated.
I wrestled with concerns for a little boy whose future is uncertain. I battled with the desire to express compassion in the face of angry outbursts. Because, honestly, when animosity is coming at me - kindness isn't my first thought. I contended with choices between what to allow and what to limit. *read that: how much screen time is too much screen time* And I fought with urges to find a way to become all-powerful and just make everything all-right.
I felt like I was failing at every turn, and looking at those lilies with a sense of I'll-always-lose-to-those-nasty-critters-so-I-should-just-give-up had me feeling the same way about the struggles I'm trying to work through with Foster.
So I looked at the would-be flowers, and I wanted to cry.
Thankfully, God led me into the living room moments later (Which has become my husband's work-from-home base.) and coaxed me to be honest about my heart condition.
Brian suggested I take time and go for a bike ride.
So I did.
And as I pedaled I prayed. I poured out my heart to God and begged Him for wisdom. I told Him everything I was feeling and I asked Him to be my Help. It was so good to expel physical energy while simultaneously putting voice to the needs of my heart. I went a longer route than originally planned, but I think that may have been God's leading - HIM knowing I was gonna need more than "a few minutes".
By the time I parked the bike back in the garage I felt peacefully certain that God is good and is still in perfect control of the world.
Then I remembered that a couple of days ago Matthew came to me with deep apologies for getting too close to my flowers with the weed wacker. I realized it wasn't a critter who destroyed that little patch of lilies after all. The pest repellant may, in fact, be working. And the rest of my flowers are probably not in danger of being wiped out. Because my son was solemnly sorry for his mistake, and I am sure he'll be more careful in the future.
*wink*

Two Parties

Did you know sometimes God is a party crasher?
The odd thing is, I have often heard Him described as a perfect gentleman - and we all know a gentleman wouldn't come to a party without an invitation - but that's exactly what happened to me recently.
I was doing some work in our yard - bagging up leaves - after I had spent the better part of the day working at work. On the previous day - after working at work - I had also been working in the yard. And after I finished what I was presently doing in the yard, I knew I had more work ahead of me. That is, I would be going into the house to prepare dinner. AND, I felt that my efforts to support my family - through yard work, work work, and meal-prep (to name a few) - had been going largely unnoticed.
Or, at least unappreciated.
Thus, I had all the guests necessary to host a little pity-party:
Large yard bags, piles of wet and heavy partially-decomposed leaves, and enough self-righteous angst to fill and stuff, fill and stuff.
I packed those bags to the brim - stomping the leaves down as I went. In fact, I was quite proud of myself for how much work I was getting done.
The voice in my head really helped me with the stomping down of the leaves. It said things like, He probably won't say, "Thank you" for this effort of yours. And, You're doing amazing work out here. But he might not even notice. And, You deserve a pat on the back for all this work (And a massage!) but chances are you aren't going to get it. And even, Oh, and forget about 'kudos' for the great dinner you're going to make. They really don't care about it as much as you do.
Annnnd, that's just about when God came and crashed the party.
Because the next voice which spoke didn't sound whiny and sanctimonious.
Oh, it was righteous - but not in a hypocritical, pious sort of way.
And that Next Voice? It asked me if I knew why I was put on this earth. Asked me if I knew why I was still living and breathing and able to stuff those leaves into bags.
In an instant that Voice humbled me.
I went from pompously rehearsing my need for recognition, to meekly confessing my broken condition. The Party Crasher caused me to see that I was not put on this earth to receive the praises of men. Rather I was put here to give praise to the One who created all men.
He made me realize it is His grace and His mercy and His patience (fueled by His love) which allow me to continue exisiting each day. That if it weren't for these things, I wouldn't even be here to host my silly little pity-party.
And *just like that* the guest list changed.
That is, the bags and leaves stuck around. But when the Spirit of God came in, self-righteous angst got sent away and - I'm telling you - the party got infinitely better as I began to thank the One who gave me life. As I praised the One who knows my heart and meets my needs. As I surrended to the One who wanted to transform me.
Ah, yes. HE throws much better parties than I do!

Paying Attention to my Heart

I've been thinking about a video devotion to post for today.
Been praying that God would lead me to the thing HE wanted me to say.
But my spirit just isn't in it.
To be honest, I had a hard time this past weekend at work. And as I pondered this post I got a distinct sense that a better use of my time would be to spend it with the LORD - seeking His help in showing me how to forgive, and to let Him bring peace to my heart. So, that's what I'm going to do - instead of creating a video for this week.
One thing I've learned at this point in my life is this: It's always better to follow His plans than to try to force mine!

So, I'll see you back here in a day, or two.

It's My Pleasure

I love my job. I do!
From joking with guests to giving kids special attention to the adrenaline rush of getting through long lines of cars, it's really a great gig.

To be honest, though, not everyone I encounter at work is enjoyable.
Not every person laughs with me, or speaks with kindness, or even smiles back.
And, to be honest-er, with those individuals it's a challenge to maintain an It's My Pleasure! attitude. Because, really, the amount of negativity that some people give off? Whew! It threatens to steal my joy. (And I was up to my neck in it yesterday.)

Thanks be to God, however, that in the midst of the antagonism HE reminded me:

My joy doesn't come from my circumstance, or the people in it.

The relationship I have with God through Jesus is my ultimate source of joy. And nothing - not a rude comment, or a thoughtless action, or an uncaring remark - can take that joy away from me.

Indeed, it is the joy of the LORD living in me which enables me to extend kindness to one who has not been kind, and to speak life to one who has uttered words of contempt. And I am so thankful! 

Because if it was up to me? 

Well, let's just say, "It's my pleasure" might not be the words coming out of my mouth. *ahem*

Ahhhh, but it isn't up to me.

God is my joy, and He is my help. At Chick-fil-A, at home, and everywhere I go. I am trusting Him to equip me for the work He has created me to do, and I am trying to be faithful to Him in each situation where He places me.

How about you? In what ways are you discovering that God is your help?

Overwhelming Faith

One day last week I listened to a Christian brother speak passionately about our need to not throw out platitudes when we are suffering. His plea was for us to acknowledge: 1)We're all aware of Bible verses which answer life's troubles. 2)We've heard sermons which address our hardships. 3)We've read books which are supposed to have built an unshakeable faith in us. But that doesn't mean we ought to ignore real pain as we regurgitate biblical truths, acting as if we aren't crying inside.
Less than 48 hours later I listened to a friend weep openly and express anguish over a flood of difficult circumstances which had just overtaken her. And when she was able to catch a breath she went on to confess how disappointed she was in herself for crying - because she believes God is in control, she knows she needs only pray and trust in Him, and she has confidence in His faithfulness. She didn't think she ought to be responding to the flood with such rampant tears.
And for a moment I felt like my head was spinning.
Because on the one hand I had a friend saying, Let us not demand that faith in God preclude vulnerability and the real expression of emotion in response to difficult life situations.
While on the other hand, I had a friend disappointed in herself for following that very suggestion.

And it made me begin to wonder: Is it possible to have it both ways?

What I mean is, could it be that a person who has steadfast faith in God - who believes He is good all the time, He is perfectly in control of every circumstance, and His love and mercy guide His hand - could that person, in faith, be distressed by trouble and hardship? Is it OK for a person of deep, committed faith in a God who is holy and perfect and loving and gracious to express raw feelings of pain and sadness when life gets really hard?
In a similar way, if a person goes through a major trial and`faces painful circumstances yet remains calm while testifying of God's faithfulness, can we trust they're being authentic? Is it possible for a person's faith to be stronger than their feelings, without suppressing said feelings?

With all my heart I believe the answer to each one of those questions is a resounding YES.
I am convinced a person can have steadfast faith, yet grieve in a moment of overwhelming stress.
I am equally confident that someone can be fully aware of and honest with their feelings, while sincerely testifying to their hope in God.
In fact, I think we can see both of those scenarios when we read many of David's psalms.
All that to say, have you ever found yourself wondering about the appropriateness of your level of emotional expression?
Have you doubted your faith because your feelings were so intense?
OR, have you considered yourself a little too much like Pollyanna because you always believed God was going to come through?
If so, I would love to invite you to spend some time in the psalms today - seeing real feelings and real faith expressed congruently by a real man. This one and this one may be good places to start.
May God bless you as you journey into overwhelming faith.

My Offering

OK, so I've been going through this thing with the LORD.
With regards to this blog.
I mean, at times I wonder if I should keep on posting.
That is, I love writing about the things of life, the ways God is speaking, and the lessons He's teaching me. So many times He speaks to me as I write - clarifying thoughts in my head and convictions in my heart, as I seek to put them into words which someone else might understand. And I delight in the thought that what He is working in me might be something He would also use to bless another human soul.
But, here's the rub.
Sometimes I let low numbers discourge me. Oh, only 12 people opened that post?
Sometimes I let page hits define my worth. Ooooo! This one is getting attention! I guess I did something right.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a difference at all. Should I put in the effort to prepare a post for tomorrow? Will anybody read it???
So one day recently I sat in front of my computer, and I didn't type a single word.
Instead, I prayed.
I just prayed, and I asked God what HE wanted me to do.
And the converstaion which ensued between the two of us (Between HIS heart and mine.) has lasted for a couple of weeks.
It began with Him reminding me (again!) that my worth - and His pleasure in me - is not measured in numbers. Particularly, not the number of people who read what I've written, and not the number of comments or "likes" left here or on Facebook.
And then?
Then the Master and Creator of my heart got down to the business of speaking to my heart in a way that was at once difficult, but ultimately freeing. That is to say, as His Spirit spoke to my heart and dug through the reasons I was giving for wondering if I should keep writing, HE revealed my pride.
The "need" I thought I had for validation - you know, wanting to know someone had been touched by something I shared.
Even though I was telling myself it was honorable (Wanting to make a difference for the kingdom. Putting forth my best effort, praying for God's leading, and asking Him to speak through my words to the hearts of everyone (anyone?) who might read.) the Holy Spirit let me see it for what it really was: My ego wanting to be uplifted by knowing I had done something wonderful. Though I tried to justify it as being about Him, HE let me see it was really all about me. Writing those words feels ugly. But if I try to phrase them in a way that puts my self in a better light, well, pride wins again. And I am so done with losing that battle!!!

Yeah. So that was the difficult part.

Then the LORD asked my heart a very pointed question.
HE took me down a road I had not expected to go.
Karen, am I enough???
If I were the only One who saw what you wrote, if I were the only One who had the chance to look into your heart, if nobody but Me was ever going to see what you posted, would you still care to do your best? Would you still pray, would you still seek My heart, would you still be faithful - if it was only for Me?
I sat with those words for a while, not having realized my pride would have caused my God to feel second in my heart. Oh, it was never my intention to be held captive by the praises of men. Yet, there I was: Sensing that my Lord wondered if I would be willing to write if HE was my only audience.
As His words pierced my heart, I humbly apologized for losing sight of what matters. Then, with joyful conviction and a sense of being restored, I surrendered to Him one more time and said, "Yes, LORD. Yes. I will do this all for You. I will do this for only You. You are more than Enough!!!"

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men...
It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Colossians 3:23-24

Seeking HIS Heart

Have you ever really considered how broken you are?
Even when you know you're a sinner, saved by grace - able and willing to admit it - seeking to be re-made by the One who can restore you, but then finding yourself with a certain level of pride in knowing you're broken-but-being-made-new?
I mean, that's some serious messiness right there.
And it's on my mind as I continue studying Ezekiel, and particularly verse 27 of chapter 21.

"A ruin, a ruin, a ruin, I will make it. This also will be no more until He comes whose right it is, and I will give it to Him."

I came across an incredibly insightful and thought-provoking treatise on this verse, and God is using it to stir my heart and mind. The "article" is really long (and I haven't finished reading yet) but I highly recommend it to you.

The more I consider the layers of sinfulness in me - the aspects of brokenness which don't show up until the first and second and third layers are peeled away - the more I become convinced I need this verse in Ezekiel to manifest in my life. I need to be made a ruin, three times over (and more!), until I am fully given to Jesus and transformed completely into His image.
The thing is, there are times when I recognize my desperation for Him and I surrender anew to His refining work in me - and it all seems good. But then sin crouches behind me and whispers lies which I believe, and I fall right back to where I was before. Or near to it, anyway. Not the same place. Sin always manages to find a new level of brokenness for me.
And I must be ruined once again.

So that's where I am today.
Seeking God's heart and His hand.
Needing His grace to carry me.
Asking His Spirit to lead me.
Trusting His goodness in all things.

Finding Joy

So, I am not sure I've ever even mentioned it here, but I have a new job.
Well, sort of.
I mean, it's sort of new. If you consider a four month old job "new".
It is super part-time - as in I only work nine hours, every other weekend. Which is part of the reason I haven't said much about it here. Not a lot of time to accumulate blog-worthy stories. *ahem*

But that all changed this past weekend.

That is, when I got home Sunday night I realized I had just lived such a story.
You see, the thing is, I have been struggling with finding joy in my work.
I am a Resident Assistant at a care facility for the elderly. And you KNOW how much I love working with that population. When the job became available and I was hired, well, I figured it was a perfect match for my passions and gifting. (And the fact that it was only nine hours every other weekend made me think it wouldn't interfere with family life.)
But when I was finally on the job and reality set in, let's just say it didn't meet my expectations.
The biggest disappointment was this: my list of tasks and things-to-do (combined with the amount of time I have to accomplish them) doesn't leave much room for doing what I love most. That is to say, if I want to complete the things for which I am being paid I don't have time to spend loving on, listening to, and caring for the residents. Oh, we have brief conversations in passing - and there are moments of joking and laughter while I am rushing around the dining room. But I miss the opportunities to sit with a person, and hear their life story, and pray for them, and let them know they are not forgotten.
Honestly, there is one task I feel like I don't do well - so that gets me down. Cuz I tend toward perfectionism and, well, that just isn't a good combination. So I gravitate toward joylessness when that part of the job is being featured.
And there are various reasons why I was wrong about the job not interfering with family life.
Truth be told, quitting has entered my mind more than once.

However.
Nonetheless.
Notwithstanding.
But God.
Yes. Let's go with But God.
But God has convinced me to stay.
Early on in my tenure at the care facility I was driving through town, seemingly following a yellow car. (As in, everywhere it turned, so did I. Only I wasn't following it on purpose. It just seemed like we were going the same way.) And yellow cars always prompt me to pray for a certain young lady who is precious to my heart. (Hence, the fact that this yellow car was constantly in front of me made me feel like God had something He wanted to accomplish for my young friend.) So I was praying for this dear girl, asking God to provide the financial support she needs for the ministry in which she is embarking. And it was as if He whispered to my heart, Hey, you have that job now. Why don't you devote one weekend each month to the support of her ministry?
And I thought, God! That's a brilliant idea!!!
So I committed in that moment to work one weekend each month for her.
And the idea filled my heart with joy.
Which is why each time the thought of quitting enters my mind I push it aside.
Therefore, Sunday afternoon as I found myself emptying trash cans and soiled linen barrels (The not-so-glamorous aspect of my job.) I began praying. God, thank You that I am able to do this job for Emma this weekend. Thank You that I am able to earn money to give to her ministry. I sought to take my eyes off of myself and remember that I am HIS - His vessel for His purposes. I stopped feeling sorry for myself because my job isn't all I had hoped it would be. And I carried on with my to-do list, while doing my best to find moments to love the residents.
(Even had an opportunity to pray with one lady!)
And the crazy thing is, at the end of my shift - I felt joy in my heart.
I did my best to recall the entire shift, and I honestly couldn't remember joylessness in it.
I realized, once I made the decision to alter my focus - it seems God corrected my perspective and changed my heart. And therein I found joy.

Does your focus need altering in any areas of your life today?

Another Thing

Monday I told you about the wonderful thing God did Saturday during the retreat at which I was speaking. But there was more.
He didn't wait until the second break-out session to show Himself to me.
Rather, it began almost the moment I walked through the door.
As I entered the building and began looking for a staff person who could show me to the room in which I'd be presenting, I couldn't help but notice the keynote speaker delivering her message in the main auditorium. Couldn't help myself, that is, because she was speaking loudly and very passionately. In fact, at times I would say she was nearly yelling, and though I couldn't see them - I imagined the women sitting on the edge of their seats as they were listening.
As I made my way into the break-out room, I caught myself comparing my delivery style to that of the weekend's keynote speaker. I was having thoughts like, Since I don't present myself that way, I must not be good enough. And, If I want to be a sought-after speaker, I need to be more like her.

Fortunately, God stepped in right away and put an end to that foolishness before it got out of hand.

HE reminded me of my unique creation, and convinced me of HIS wisdom in the way He made me.
At times like that one, God admonishes me to quit the comparison and choose to trust Him, instead.
And I know He speaks truth in those moments.
I know He made me to be me, not "her" - whoever she may be.
But, oh, it can be so difficult, ya know? Because I think sometimes our enemy wants nothing more than to distract us from what God has called us to do. And what better way to fluster us than to get us to fix our gaze on someone/something else?

Nevertheless, Saturday God called my attention back to Himself and His work, and He led me down the path of trust. It was almost as if I could hear His words echoing through my heart. Karen, I made her to be her. I gifted her with certain ablities and I gave her a unique disposition. If I wanted you to be like her, I could have done that. But I made you to be you. Right down to the silly way you laugh at corny jokes. Dear one, will you just trust Me, and be the you I created you to be?

Anyone else need to hear those words spoken to your heart???

When Hard Things are Good Things

I don't really like saying hard things.
Do you?

I really don't like hearing hard things.
And I'm guessing you're in agreement with me on that point as well.

But sometimes those actions are necessary.
Because, let's face it: we can be blind to our own failings and offenses.
We can be going through life intending to do the best we can, believing we're doing alright, completely unaware that we're crossing a line.
And if we're completely unaware of our transgression, what are we to do?
How can we make a change?
How can we know a change needs to be made?
Unless someone who sees what we're doing, someone who cares about us and wants what is best for us and those around us, someone who is willing to do the hard thing - to risk a moment of pain in exchange for a lifetime of peace, someone who is a true friend - tells us.

I was on the "hearing" side of some hard things recently, and it was, well, hard!
The words were delivered after the speakers had been in much prayer, and they were spoken with thoughtfulness and love. But it was hard. And I cried. And the ones who were delivering the message were concerned about me, sorry for the woundedness I was experiencing.
Even so, they shared their hearts with me. I knew they spoke truth, and I knew they spoke in love, so I listened. But it was still hard. Yet, just like the other hard times I have faced in my life, I know God has a good plan for this one as well.
Oh, I know it wasn't easy for them, but I am glad these friends of mine listened to and obeyed God's Spirit as He prompted them to speak truth to me.
I am so thankful for friends like that in my life.

Do you have a friend like this in your life? Are you willing to be one?

What To Do With Difficult People

Do you have a difficult person in your life?

Someone whose attitude rubs you the wrong way?
Who has views different than yours, and talks about them profusely?
Somebody who constantly behaves a certain way - which absolutely drives you nuts?
Even when you tell them how you feel about it???

Argh! What is one to do with a person like that?

According to the majority of the internet (That is, the memes I see on platforms like Facebook and Pinterest.) the best thing to do is get them out of your life.
For example:

I see these memes frequently, and sometimes they make me chuckle as I think about some of the people in my life who fit into the "difficult" category.
But as of late, I am taking a much different view about what to do with these difficult people. That is, God is using a number of avenues to show me that He uses - not just the troubling moments in our lives - but the tiresome people, too, to refine our character and make us more like Jesus. As we learn how to deal graciously with people who aren't easy to love, we begin to love like Jesus does. As we become better at responding with kindness to people who have annoying traits, we start looking less like us and more like Him. And I soooooo want to look more like HIM!
Although our nature is to want to eliminate difficult people from our lives, I am becoming convinced that God allows them into our lives for a good reason.
Please know, I am talking about difficult people - not harmful people!
And so, when it comes to a person who aggravates, provokes, exasperates, or *ahem!* irritates me, I will submit to God and trust Him to use the circumstance for His good purpose. I will ask Him to soften my heart and strengthen my resolve, that I may respond with love like He does.
After all, my life would be awfully lonely if I only allowed into it people who never aggravate, provoke, exasperate, or irritate me.
And if I'm honest? God's Spirit is humbling me.
I understand that I am a difficult person, and I need grace, too.

It Isn't That Easy

Last week I saw this on Facebook:

The version I saw was a video. The top frame showing a nice trip down a peaceful path in the woods - the bottom frame showing bottles falling and spilling pills everywhere.
I read the words, "This is an antidepressant," and I thought, If only it were that easy. How nice it would have been seven years ago when I discovered depression was the reason I could cry at the drop of a hat, the reason I could take just about anything someone said to me and turn it into a negative slam on my personhood, the reason I often felt like the world was crashing in on me - how nice it would have been to take a walk in the woods and feel all better!
Ahhh, but it just isn't that easy!

When I found out I have a condition called depression, I started taking medication. And I started learning how to think better. That is, I began engaging in a lot of self-talk - which means when a circumstance arises and I start going down the path of negativity, I talk myself out of it. I remind myself the person who just said something to me doesn't really mean I'm a failure. Sometimes it means I recite scripture to myself because I need to hear Truth. I remember once when I realized I had forgotten to get gas and was about to start berating myself for it - I literally spoke the words out loud, "It's OK, Karen. It's OK."

Before taking an antidepressant, my immediate response to almost any circumstance was to belittle myself and rehearse all the reasons why whatever was going on indicated I was a failure. And to cry. Crying was always a part of it.
When I started taking the drug I felt like somehow it gave me space in those circumstances. Rather than going right to beating up on myself, I had a moment to hear what was said and evaluate it. I had time to think better. I didn't rush into condemnation, rather I began to think rationally. And I cannot tell you how that time changed me.
Eventually, I began to think, Maybe I don't need to take this medicine anymore. Now that I know how to think better, maybe I can manage depression on my own! So I weaned myself off the antidepressant.
Twice.
That is to say, I didn't learn the first time how bad of an idea that was. It took me two attempts to realize that for me - it's more than just knowing how to think. Somewhere inside my brain there is a chemical imbalance, and I need medical intervention to achieve harmony.
Since then, I have come to understand one very important thing. God is using this medication to carry me. He could lift me out of the pit of depression any way He chooses, and it appears he's chosen a drug.
Here's the thing: I am confident that God is not ashamed of the way He is working in me. And if HE isn't ashamed, I won't be either!

Feeling a Little Inauthentic

Typically, I am a very real person.

As in, what you see is what you get.

That is, I spent waaaaaay too much time when my children were small pretending to be someone I am not. Trying to look like I had it all together. Never letting on that motherhood was a struggle for me, and that some days I felt like a complete failure.
In those days I did my best to hide the real me. Because I felt like nobody could love her. But then God gave me hope in the midst of the struggle, and I started sharing my story, and I found out I wasn't alone. And I discovered being real - being authentic - was the only way to really live.

But I am suddenly feeling like I have regressed.

You see, tonight my daughter is coming home to celebrate Thanksgiving with us.
And she's bringing her boyfriend with her.
And his mother.
And I?
Just dusted, vacuumed, put away things which have been sitting in the dining room since I can't remember when, replaced the tablecloth whose stains I hardly even notice anymore (because I see them countless times each day), washed some windows (OK, only the inside of them!), and cleaned a mirror. (Still need to address the bathroom.)
And, well, I just don't usually behave this way. Haha!

They're going to be here for a few days - and I certainly don't intend to put on a got-it-all-together act.
But I thought at least it would be nice for the house to look clean when they arrive.
*wink*

By the way, I am going to spend the rest of the week enjoying my family and my house guests. I'll catch up with you here again on Monday.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

The Need to Confess

When you think someone is upset with you, so you examine your actions to discern why such upset-ness may have occurred, and in your heart you know what you did - and the Holy Spirit convicts you of selfishness and wrong-doing, so you resolve to confess and apologize, but later you see the aforementioned upset person - only they don't seem upset AT ALL...

Does that mean you're off the hook for the need to confess and apologize???

Ummm. Yeah. I don't believe so.
That is, I don't believe the Holy Spirit convicts us unnecessarily. When HE speaks to a heart, a heart ought to listen. Even when the offended doesn't seem, uh, terribly offended. Because I think sometimes the act of confession is for our own cleansing more than it is for the other's consolation.
Thus, I shall be eating humble pie and making an apology momentarily.

Thank You, Father, for caring enough about the condition of my heart - and your standard of holiness - to convict me of and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.

Everything to Me

When my heart is disturbed, when my spirit needs to be reminded of what matters, this is one of the songs God consistently uses to set me right.
Needing it at the moment, and praying HE encourages you, too.

Lovely Moments

Murphy and his annoying Law just might be the end of me.

I went to visit Lovely yesterday, and - as usual - we had lovely moments. We talked about many of the same things we usually discuss. Lovely laughed every time I told a joke, even though she's heard them all before. (Well, not ALL of them. There were a couple I'm sure I haven't told her before.) We even discovered another connection which makes our world smaller. That is, Lovely used to attend the church of which my aunt is a member. My aunt was over last weekend to help celebrate Matthew's 17th birthday and when I mentioned Lovely's real name, Aunt Sue said she thought Lovely used to go to Plymouth Congregational. Lovely and I have found several connections since meeting, and it was fun to confirm another.
When my time with Lovely came to an end, I went to visit another woman who lives in the same facility. This woman - I'll call her Merry, because she is! - used to live at Vista Springs when I worked there, and it has become my habit to spend time with her after my moments with Lovely. Anyway, Merry and I were talking - trying to solve all the worlds problems - when my phone rang.
It was Josh.
So I answered.
He got out of work earlier than expected and wanted me to come pick him up.
I explained that I was visiting a friend and would leave to pick him up "in about 10 minutes".
Only, you know how it is when you're visiting with a friend, right?
It was more like 15 or 20 minutes later that I finally said good-bye to Merry, and I could just picture Josh pacing at work. Waiting for me to get there. Soooooo, to say I wasn't paying close attention to my speed as I was driving would be quite accurate. Actually, to say I was aware that I *might* be going faster than usual would be completely true. But I was thinking about picking up my son - and the fact that I hadn't left Merry's when I told him I would leave.
So I was late.
And I hate making people wait for me.

Annnnnd, that's just about when I saw the police car in on-coming traffic.
I observed in my rear view mirror as he turned around.
I continued watching as he turned his lights on and off to get people to move over.
And then he got behind me.
Only, when I pulled to the side, he didn't pass me - as he'd been doing to all the others behind me.
Nope.
He pulled over, too.
Super nice police officer, he was. Asked me if I knew why he had stopped me. Yes. And did I know how fast I was going? Yes. (As soon as I saw him on the road I looked at my speedometer. I was going 45, in a 35 zone. Oops.)
Long story, shortened - he came back to the van with a ticket for me. Said, although I have an excellent driving record, he had to do something because I was going 10 over. And if he lets people "off" when they're doing 10 over, they probably aren't going to change their behavior. (It didn't help that they guy looked young enough to be my son. I felt like I was being lectured by a KID!) And I'm thinking, Yeah. But the reason I have such an excellent driving record is because I typically obey the speed limit. I don't do 45 in 35s! Except for this one day when I'm in a rush to pick up my son from work, because he got out earlier than expected - so I'm admittedly going faster than I usually do. And you just happen to be on the same road as me. Stupid Murphy, and your dumb Law!

It's been several hours since that incident occurred. And I'm still trying to determine if there was anything lovely about those moments.
The prognosis is not good.
But I did learn my lesson: Let 'em wait! *pouty face*

Confessions of a Dependent Woman

I had lunch with a new friend yesterday.
We've met face-to-face a couple times, been Facebook friends for quite a while, and done our share of texting. But this was the first time we were able to spend any significant time together in person. And what a joy it was to watch God at work - breaking down walls and opening hearts.
See, this dear woman has been through some rough stuff in her life and is therefore a little gun-shy when it comes to trusting people and forming friendships. In spite of that fear, she felt comfortable being open with me and sharing her true self. And when she expressed her own surprise at how much she was sharing - because she believed I was "safe" - I suggested what I thought may an explanation for why she felt that way about me.
When I was a young mother struggling to hold myself together, I was living a lie. Every day when I left the house, I wore a mask trying to convey that I was a perfect mother - just like I thought everyone else was. Although on the inside I was a mess, I tried to portray confidence and happiness outwardly. And, wow! Was that ever a tiring charade to play!!!
So I shared this confession with my friend and explained to her that, by God's grace, I got over trying to be who I am not. I told her that by His gentle (and sometimes painful) refining fire, He is transforming me to be more like Jesus - and that I no longer feel I must try/pretend to have a handle on life.
I am fully dependent upon my Lord. For everything!
"So, you see," I told her, "I know I don't have it all together, and I don't expect anyone else to pretend to, either. Maybe that's why I feel safe." After further conversation we agreed: Any "together-ness" we have, anytime we get it right, or live virtuously, it is only by the grace of GOD and all the glory goes to HIM.

Without HIM, I am a hopeless mess. But with HIM - all things are possible!

Ya Think?

Have you ever had (what you thought was) a really good idea?

A plan so inspired, you assumed it must have come directly from heaven?

But when you tried to put it into motion - even prayed that God would work out the details -
everything.just.stalled?

No?
Really???
Well, aren't you special.
Let me tell you what it's like. *wink*

A few weeks ago I started a new Bible study with my Precepts class, and as soon as we were underway I was super excited about it. I mean, I can't help myself. I love the Word of God, and every time I start studying it inductively and God starts speaking to my heart and His Spirit starts changing me, well I just get hyped and I want EVERYONE to study it with me! Anyway, as we were getting into Philippians I immediately thought of someone with whom I would like to go through the book one-on-one. Oh, to see this young woman learn about having joy in Jesus in all circumstances!
Yes, I thought, this will be wonderful!
My initial invitation to do the study was met with, well, uh, joy. But in subsequent days the enthusiasm and intention to follow through seem to have been lost. (And not from my side of the equation.)
I have attempted following up with the idea of doing the study together, but when my communication is left without response I tend to interpret the message to be, "I'm not interested anymore." And I don't want to push this young woman away, so I let it go for now.
Then, two of my Precepts friends asked me about the situation and as I was filling them in I also told them about recent thoughts which have come to my realization. That is, as we have gotten deeper into the study we have uncovered beautiful Truth - but it is hard stuff, and I am not sure this young woman is at a place in her life where she would be able to receive it as beautiful. God has encouraged me greatly through the gems He has shown. But I am not certain my young friend's heart is in the same place as mine. I fear the difficult lessons which I find to be wonderful would somehow cause her to want to distance herself from Him.
In short, I think she might not be ready for this brand of meat yet.
And as I was talking with my friends about these thoughts it occurred to me, Gee. Maybe God knows her heart. Perhaps He knows she isn't ready for this study just yet. It might be this really good idea was mine, not HIS. I suppose HE could be the One stalling my plans. Maybe, just maybe, God is perfectly in control of the details after all!

Ya think???

Cold Water Isn't Such a Big Deal

So, Saturday morning I stood outside my shower for longer than usual.
It always takes a while for the hot water to make it to my bathroom, so waiting is not out of the ordinary. But as time passed I got tired of the delay and just hopped in - knowing it would warm up, eventually.
Except, it didn't.
Rather, it got colder.
As in, I only had the water on to get wet and rinse. No way was I going to STAND under that cold water. BRRRRR!
Later that morning as I was complaining to telling Brian about my shower, I learned that his had only been lukewarm. And Matthew piped up that his was also cold.
Hmmmmmm. Problem with the water heater?
Brian checked it out and re-lit the pilot light, figuring he would get to replacing the thermocouple Sunday. And for a little while we had warm water again.

As this was all going down, and the boys were none too happy about the prospect of a less-than-hot shower Sunday morning, I tried to help them with their perspective. I said, "Imagine how thankful Muthiani would be to have a house with a shower in it - even if the water wasn't hot!" (Muthiani is a little boy in Kenya whom we sponsor through Compassion International.) I continued unsuccessfully offering bits of wisdom to improve their mindsets - but, honestly? I was also not looking forward to my shower the next morning.
In fact, when Sunday morning came around and I turned on the shower (and waited) with no sign of even lukewarm water - I changed my plans. Washing up and shampooing my hair in the sink would have to suffice. It was entirely too cold of a day to stand in a cold shower. Besides, Brian would get to replacing the thermocouple in the afternoon - and all would be well again.
Except, when the thought-it-was-broken part was replaced, the problem wasn't fixed. And we were back at square-one. Brian, feeling defeated. And both of us disappointed that we were going to have to hire a professional to come in and fix the trouble. Because we're super cheap and we prefer to do our own work when possible.
Annnnnd, the boys. They were not happy, either.

Monday morning found me with a plastic tub and a kettle of boiling water heading into my bathroom. I made a mixture of boiling and cold water to suit myself and stood in the shower doing my best to quickly shave my legs and wash up. All the while aware - while the water was warm, my wet skin left me feeling rather chilled. After drying my body I knelt on the floor, leaned into the shower stall, and washed my hair with what was left of the warm water. Y'all, my posture was neither becoming nor comfortable. Somehow, I didn't think even Muthiani would be happy with this set-up.
But I got the job done, and finished getting ready.

Upon sitting down to eat my breakfast - while silently congratulating myself for making it through my troublesome morning without complaint - I opened my computer to check in with Facebook. It was on my church's prayer page that I read about a family who'd been in an auto accident Saturday. One daughter was killed, the mother is in a coma, the other daughter has been traumatized by the event, and the family is not trusting in God.
I bowed my head to pray for them, and let it hang a little longer as I thought, So the water's cold. At least the house is warm. And I have warm clothes to wear. So, we have to call a plumber. Thank God we have the money to pay for it. My kids are well, I am healthy, and I know the God of the universe loves me. How can I possibly be grumble about my circumstance? I don't even know what it's like to experience trouble!

Perspective checked?
Check!

This is a Test

Whoa!

Did you have a chance to watch my video devotion yesterday?
If you didn't, go ahead and watch it now. That way - this post will make a lot more sense.
I'll wait for you.

OK. Here we go!
Not even five minutes after I recorded that video, God gave me the opportunity to have my real desire to be like HIM tested. (HE doesn't waste time!) I put on my coat, grabbed my purse and notes for my talk, and went outside to get into my van.
Only, when I stepped into the garage, I saw that the van wasn't there. With a semi-disappointed sigh, I proceeded to the driveway to get Brian's car - realizing he must have taken the van to run his errands.
The disappointment came from the fact that I'd put a CD in the van which I wanted to listen to on the way to Grand Rapids. But, whatever. I knew it wasn't the end of the world.
However, when I got into the car my feelings began to go south. That is, I saw that the gas tank was getting close to empty. (And the van had a full tank of gas. I had made sure of that earlier. So I would be completely ready to go - when it was time to go. NOW I had to stop at the gas station on my way out of town. *grr*)
In my mind, I began nagging at Brian. I mean, he knows I like to have a full tank of gas when I am making a trip. Surely he would have been reminded of that when he got into the van and saw a full tank. Gee, would have been nice if he'd filled the tank in his car before he took "MY" van. (And then, maybe he could have noticed the CD and put that in his car, too. *hmpf*)
All this - before I'd even started the ignition.
Then it came. That familiar nudge of the Holy Spirit - reminding me of what I'd spoken some five minutes earlier. I think it went something like, "Lord Jesus, make me more like YOU." Yet, here I was, growing irritable because I was going to have to go five minutes out of my way to fill up a tank of gas.
I scolded myself, Really, Karen???
And then I started to sing,
Change my heart, O God. Make it ever new.
Change my heart, O God. May I be like You.
You are the Potter. I am the clay.
Mold me and make me, this is what I pray.
Change my heart, O God. Make it ever new.
Change my heart, O God. May I be like You.

Turns out, I didn't need that CD after all.
God had a different song in mind for me.