Wednesday, June 03, 2020

Like the Lily

I walked out to get the mail yesterday and saw this:

I leaned in closer, and saw this:

And I seriously almost started crying.
Not because I was angry at the deer or rabbit or other critter which so greedily ate my lilies to the ground. (Though I was.)
Not because I was upset that the pest repellant I purchased seemed to have failed.
(Though I was.)
Not because I am still bitter about the critter who ate my flowers last year.
(Though I am.)
Rather, I almost started crying because my heart felt just like that obliterated lily.

That is, prior to going out to check the mail I spent much of the morning feeling defeated.
I wrestled with concerns for a little boy whose future is uncertain. I battled with the desire to express compassion in the face of angry outbursts. Because, honestly, when animosity is coming at me - kindness isn't my first thought. I contended with choices between what to allow and what to limit. *read that: how much screen time is too much screen time* And I fought with urges to find a way to become all-powerful and just make everything all-right.
I felt like I was failing at every turn, and looking at those lilies with a sense of I'll-always-lose-to-those-nasty-critters-so-I-should-just-give-up had me feeling the same way about the struggles I'm trying to work through with Foster.
So I looked at the would-be flowers, and I wanted to cry.
Thankfully, God led me into the living room moments later (Which has become my husband's work-from-home base.) and coaxed me to be honest about my heart condition.
Brian suggested I take time and go for a bike ride.
So I did.
And as I pedaled I prayed. I poured out my heart to God and begged Him for wisdom. I told Him everything I was feeling and I asked Him to be my Help. It was so good to expel physical energy while simultaneously putting voice to the needs of my heart. I went a longer route than originally planned, but I think that may have been God's leading - HIM knowing I was gonna need more than "a few minutes".
By the time I parked the bike back in the garage I felt peacefully certain that God is good and is still in perfect control of the world.
Then I remembered that a couple of days ago Matthew came to me with deep apologies for getting too close to my flowers with the weed wacker. I realized it wasn't a critter who destroyed that little patch of lilies after all. The pest repellant may, in fact, be working. And the rest of my flowers are probably not in danger of being wiped out. Because my son was solemnly sorry for his mistake, and I am sure he'll be more careful in the future.

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