God Noticed Me

Last Friday I shared a story at an event called The Notice.
I had mentioned it here last week, and was asked how somebody might see it who doesn't live nearby.
My first thought was to find out if the event was being live-streamed. (It wasn't.)
My second thought was to ask my husband to record me while I spoke. (He did!)
And my third thought was to post it here for anyone who wishes to listen.
By that time, I was whipped. It isn't often that I think three thoughts so rapidly! *wink*
So, in case you're interested, here it is:

The Notice

Last year my church began holding Friday evening events wherein people were encouraged to share their God-stories. They were somewhat informal gatherings during which time we got together to be encouraged by hearing the things God had done and was doing.
They're back.
And this coming Friday I am going to share my testimony of when God noticed me through scripture.
I am very much looking forward to telling the story from several years ago when He met me in my pit of despair and gave me hope.
If you're in the neighborhood, I'd love to see you there, too!

Happy Anniversary-ish to Me

I don't remember the day I officially started (and stopped...) but I know it was last September.
And since we've just passed the mid-point of this September I'm declaring whatever the specific date was, we're close enough to it now that I can celebrate my anniversary. That is to say, approximately one year ago I started following the Keto diet, and I stopped taking my anti-depressant.
And I realize it is quite possible that the significance of my previous statement is likely to be lost on just about everybody but me, so I'll explain.
I began (somewhat reluctantly) taking an anti-depressant in April of 2011. I was reluctant - not because I didn't need it - but because I was ashamed that I did need it. Thus over the course of the next three or so years I attempted to wean myself off of it a few times, until I realized how stupid it was of me to deny myself a thing which was truly helping me. And, moreso, until God was finally able to convince me that I needed to not be ashamed of the way He had chosen to work in me.
So when last September came along and I learned that some people who followed the Keto diet were able to successfully stop using their anti-depressant, well I was very interested. Not because of shame this time, rather because if I don't need to take a drug I'd rather not take it!
For that reason, I started eating "Keto" and stopped taking my pill. (Fully aware that the diet might not work for me and I may need to start taking my pill again. And completely willing to do so if necessary. Because the one thing I for sure did not want to "go back" to again - was living depressed.)
But, but, it's been a year.
It has been a whole year that I have been drug-free (And ice cream-free, and popcorn-free, and candybar-free, and bread-free, and if I keep going with this list depression may kick in, so I'm going to stop. *wink*) and I feel great!
It would appear that my brain is getting exactly what it needs from what I am eating. (Also avoiding what it doesn't need from what I am not eating...) And since I've made it to my one-year anniversary, I'm making it official: I've found a new way to eat which is good for my body and my mental health, and I'm sticking with it.

I thank God and I give Him praise for leading me on this journey. HE has used the pain of those depressed days to bring me closer to His heart that I might recieve His love more freely. HE has used the battle with shame and uncertainty to lead me to trust Him even when I didn't understand. And HE continues to draw my eyes to Himself when I am tempted to go down the road of self-condemnation. God is my Healer, and I am forever thankful.

Why Keto Works for Me

Have you heard of the Ketogenic Diet?
I am not sure how long it has been around, but several months ago my husband discovered it when he was searching for a diet which would reduce inflammation. He was concerned about inflammation because of his family history of heart disease, and decided he wanted to start a keto diet. (And because I didn't want to make two different options for each meal, I decided to have the whole family eat keto.)
The more Brian researched the keto diet, however, the more I became interested in it for my own health benefits. (Because he usually watched videos about it while I was within ear-shot, so I got to "research" with him.) That is to say, I wasn't interested in it for the weight-loss or the anti-inflammatory or diabetic benefits. But when I heard that some people who battled depression were actually able to quit taking their anti-depressants while eating keto?
Well, let's just say my keto-enthusiasm quickened.
I researched what-to-eat and what not-to-eat.
I started scouring the internet for keto-friendly recipes.
And I stopped taking my anti-depressant.

Now, those of you who've been around me for a while know there have been a couple of occasions in the past when I tried putting my meds aside. And you may recall that I swore off the insanity of ever attempting that again.
The thing is, each of the times I contemplated ditching anti-depressants in the past - I was motivated by shame. I felt like I "shouldn't" be taking meds. Since I had learned how to monitor and manage my negative thinking, I figured I ought to be able to continue on in life without the drugs. That is, while I made every effort to legitimize my prescription and talk myself into accepting the help, I still struggled with needing it.
But when this keto idea came around I was willing to give it a go once more.
See, this time it wasn't just a matter of stopping what was working because I was ashamed that I needed the help. Thanks be to God for bringing me past the point of shame - to being able to trust in whatever way He chooses to work. Rather, this time there was science and a reasonable explanation behind the endeavor. So I made the decision to stop taking my anti-depressant - fully aware that I might need to return to it, and completely OK with that option should it prove to be necessary. (What I mean is, a Ketogenic Diet isn't the answer for everyone who battles depression. And I still believe medication is beneficial, according to the way God chooses to work in each person.)
Now, I am not even going to pretend to be able to explain or fully comprehend the reason this diet is helping my brain. But I do know that heavily limiting carbs in my diet has caused my body to find a new way to "fuel" itself. I'm creating ketones for energy, and somehow those fuel molecules get my brain to operate differently in whatever way is necessary to help me avoid and overcome depressive episodes. How's that for a vague, non-scientific interpretation?
The bottom line is this: My brain is deficient in some way, and I need help.
For years that help came in the form of fluoxetine.
Now it's coming in ketones.
And to be honest? I miss a few things. Like popcorn. And chocolate. And ice cream.
I have taken a couple "keto-breaks" - on Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have another one planned at the end of the month while my hubby and I are on a cruise.
Did I mention I really miss my popcorn?
But I feel good.
I feel happy.
Sometimes I feel sad, too, but the feelings don't overwhelm me.
I can cry when feelings move me so. (That's something I couldn't do when I took Fluoxetine. Even when I tried "adjusting" the level. I wished that I could cry at appropriate times, but I couldn't. And it was a trade-off I was willing to make, so I didn't cry uncontrollably.)
Yeah. I miss popcorn.
But I really like the way I feel.

And that's why Keto works for me!

What Are You Thinking?

It Isn't That Easy

Last week I saw this on Facebook:

The version I saw was a video. The top frame showing a nice trip down a peaceful path in the woods - the bottom frame showing bottles falling and spilling pills everywhere.
I read the words, "This is an antidepressant," and I thought, If only it were that easy. How nice it would have been seven years ago when I discovered depression was the reason I could cry at the drop of a hat, the reason I could take just about anything someone said to me and turn it into a negative slam on my personhood, the reason I often felt like the world was crashing in on me - how nice it would have been to take a walk in the woods and feel all better!
Ahhh, but it just isn't that easy!

When I found out I have a condition called depression, I started taking medication. And I started learning how to think better. That is, I began engaging in a lot of self-talk - which means when a circumstance arises and I start going down the path of negativity, I talk myself out of it. I remind myself the person who just said something to me doesn't really mean I'm a failure. Sometimes it means I recite scripture to myself because I need to hear Truth. I remember once when I realized I had forgotten to get gas and was about to start berating myself for it - I literally spoke the words out loud, "It's OK, Karen. It's OK."

Before taking an antidepressant, my immediate response to almost any circumstance was to belittle myself and rehearse all the reasons why whatever was going on indicated I was a failure. And to cry. Crying was always a part of it.
When I started taking the drug I felt like somehow it gave me space in those circumstances. Rather than going right to beating up on myself, I had a moment to hear what was said and evaluate it. I had time to think better. I didn't rush into condemnation, rather I began to think rationally. And I cannot tell you how that time changed me.
Eventually, I began to think, Maybe I don't need to take this medicine anymore. Now that I know how to think better, maybe I can manage depression on my own! So I weaned myself off the antidepressant.
Twice.
That is to say, I didn't learn the first time how bad of an idea that was. It took me two attempts to realize that for me - it's more than just knowing how to think. Somewhere inside my brain there is a chemical imbalance, and I need medical intervention to achieve harmony.
Since then, I have come to understand one very important thing. God is using this medication to carry me. He could lift me out of the pit of depression any way He chooses, and it appears he's chosen a drug.
Here's the thing: I am confident that God is not ashamed of the way He is working in me. And if HE isn't ashamed, I won't be either!

Disorders are NOT Logical

So, the other day I was talking to someone about depression - and what it looks like in my life. And as the conversation went on I began to understand why disorders are so hard for non-disordered-people to understand.
That is, as I spoke about my tendency to take what I hear and turn it into an attack on myself (That's the disordered part of me!) my friend suggested I ought to recognize that the speaker didn't intend to be critical of me, and I ought to laugh it off. Or, when I am in a situation which is not going as I had hoped, rather than berating myself for being a failure I ought to realize the situation won't be hard forever and try to look on the bright side.
And as I listened to her giving this very good advice, I was thinking, Yes! Of course. That's what I ought to do. And I know it. Everything you're saying is logical and makes sense and I know it's the logical way to handle a circumstance.
Chin up!
Cheer up!
Don't be so sad.
And if a disorder like depression could be managed with logic, that - right there - would be my answer. Unfortunately, disorders aren't logical. That's why they're disorders. Because something isn't working like it should be - as it would be - if it were all in order.

It's kind of like me saying to my young friend who has an eating disorder, "C'mon, sweetheart. Just eat something. You know you need to. Your body must have some nourishment. You cannot get better if you don't eat."
All true statements.
All logical and good.
All of them make sense to me!
But not one of 'em is helpful or productive for my friend.
Because disorders are NOT logical. And, therefore, they cannot be treated, managed, or cured with logic.

All that to say, do you know someone with a disorder-of-some-kind? Ever wish you could snap your fingers and get through to them? Get discouraged because they aren't taking your logical, rational, reasonable advice and suggestions? Ever feel frustrated because you don't understand what's going on inside of them?
Eh, don't feel bad - most of the time we don't understand, either!
And so we (all!) must cling to Jesus, trusting Him to help us (and help us help each other) get through this not-always-logical thing called life.

The Top Ten Things I Learned on Vacation

10. Sometimes it's better to get it all done at once. 

In planning our recent trip to Colorado (to visit our girl, since she's doing an internship there this summer...) we thought long and hard about how we were going to get there. That is, I am not a fan of driving long distances because, well, because it takes so long. So we checked out the option of flying. However, I am even more not a fan of spending a lot of money, so we quickly ruled out that alternative. And taking the train wasn't going to be much better, so we acquiesced to the driving plan.

Only that decision didn't entirely solve the problem.

That is, Brian proposed driving straight through - from Michigan to Colorado. And I was all, Nooooo, that will be so long! And I am not a fan of long car rides. But, if we didn't drive straight through, that would mean paying for a hotel room along the way and, well, I am even more not a fan of spending a lot of money... So, I complied with Brian's proposal and we made plans to drive for 18+ hours.

And, can I tell you? That was such a good idea!

We stopped along the way for gas and lunch and dinner, and were in our hotel room by 11:00pm local time saying, "I can't believe we were in Michigan this morning, and we're already in Colorado!"

I was so glad we got to start our fun the very next day - instead of having to drive more. 

Indeed, sometimes it's better to get it all done at once. That is, sometimes we need to admit that somebody else was right. Thanks, Brian!

9. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 

We did a good amount of hiking in Colorado, including one day in Pine Valley Ranch Park along the North Fork South Platte River. During that particular walk, I became enamored with a pretty pink flower I kept seeing along the trail. I know, I know. I become enamored with just about anything pink. But this one was special. I figured it must be some kind of distinguished specimen. Maybe one of Colorado's home-grown treasures. So I took pictures.

But when I showed the pictures to Elizabeth at the end of the week she told me it was just a Thistle - with a bit of a disapproving tone in her voice. And I'm thinking, Thistle. Sounds like whistle. And you whistle when you're happy. This flower must make people happy. 

Until Elizabeth told me, "Mom. It's a weed."

But it's pink! And it's pretty.

Then I realized: plants in which some people find no worth can be precious to others.

And I thought, Hmmm. The same can be said for people, too.

8. Having a GPS doesn't preclude the need to have a plan.

OK, I know I have been accused of being a Luddite.
I admit I can be guilty of holding on to "old ways".
I realize there is value in embracing today and taking advantage of the technology we have.
But sometimes batteries die, and signals get lost (especially in the mountains!) and it would be a good idea to know how to get where you're going without having to rely on said batteries or signals.
And that's all I'm gonna say about that one. *wink*

7. Murphy's Law can find me on horseback. 

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

That stupid adage follows me everywhere I go.

We were in the Rocky Mountains on a 2-hour trail ride and everything had been going smoothly. So I decided to get my phone out and record some of the scenery. What could go wrong? I thought to myself. We're just moseying along. Everything's good. I can ride one-handed for a few minutes.

If only I had heard ol' Murphy snickering in the woods.

 

Yeah. My horse got spooked by something and started running, so I dropped my phone.
Fortunately, the phone didn't get stepped on by a horse. It was dusty, but no damage.
I guess Murph gave me a pass on that one.

6. Things that look like trouble aren't really trouble when you trust the leader. 

One of our more adventurous days was spent white-water rafting down Browns Canyon in the Arkansas River. Yes, even my 72-year-old mother-in-law came along. Go, Grandma!!! 

That's her in the blue helmet. Haha!

 One thing we learned very quickly on our adventure was the importance of listening to, trusting, and obeying our leader. Mike was a great guy, and he had been down this river many, many times before. He knew the location of every rock and rapid. He knew how to steer and when to turn us. He called out "forward, 3" or "forward, 4" and "forward, 2 more" at all the right times to get us to give the raft the power he needed to steer us in the right direction.
We might be headed toward a rapid, or approaching a big rock we thought we should avoid - and we might be tempted to start paddling "away" from it. But our strict orders were to row only when and how Mike instructed.

 And when we worked as a team - trusting our leader - we made it safely through and around every obstacle we faced.

Something tells me white-water rafting could produce a parable about trusting Jesus.

5. Scary is a matter of perspective. 

Another adventurous thing we did in Colorado was riding bikes down Pikes Peak. For those who don't know why that would be considered an adventure, let me just tell you: our bike ride started at over 14,000 feet above sea level, and lasted approximately 19 miles. And when we were riding in the van to the top of the mountain I experienced several moments of honest-to-goodness fear.
See, the driver was very comfortable with mountain driving.
Sometimes she would turn her head to address a passenger's question and I would want to scream at her, "Keep your eyes on the road! We could slip over the edge and fall to our death in a matter of seconds! Don't drive so close to the edge!!!"
Because from where I was sitting in that van, it really did seem like one inch to the right was going to be our end. And my heart was on edge. (Pun totally intended!)
Then we got to the top and I got out of the van, and I felt comfortable enough to walk around and see just how high we really were.

And how far down we could fall if we slipped.

And I thought, I'm really going to ride a bicycle down this mountain?
But the craziest thing happened.
I got on the bike, rode around the parking lot a bit to get acclimated, and when we started down the mountain and I was riding in the middle of the lane - even when I was in the lane on the outside of the mountain - I felt totally secure.
I wasn't scared.
My mind didn't scream at me about being careful to not fall over the edge.
Seems that being in control of my own "vehicle" and feeling like I wasn't on the edge of the road changed my outlook. I had the perception of being safe. And that's when I learned that scary is a matter of perspective.

4. Spicy Uno brings people together. 

I've mentioned Spicy Uno here before. And if you haven't tried it, I'm telling you now: you must!
I don't think I have more fun playing any other game than this one.
In addition to the fact that my 17 and 19-year-old sons will play with us, I love Spicy Uno because it brings all kinds of people together. From my husband to my sons to my mother-in-law to my daughter's roommate (who we had just met) we had a room full of diverse people who were laughing together, having fun together, enjoying time together, not looking at smartphones together.
And this momma's heart loved it.
If you're looking for a way to create some good family/friend time, check out Spicy Uno!

3. People don't have to be "like" you in order to be liked by you. 

It's easy to like people who are like you, isn't it?

You talk the same, dress the same, eat the same, think the same. 

It's easy to get along with people like that, you know?

But during our time in Colorado - and with the various adventures we took - I had several opportunities to meet people who were not like me.

There were those with lots of tattoos, women who went without bras, some folks with interesting piercings, and others who looked as though they hadn't been to see a barber anytime in the past 12 months. They were people who - on the outside - didn't look anything like me. People who - had I not been placed with them by an outside influence - I might not have engaged in conversation or relationship. 

Yet, when I spent time with them, when I learned about the people inside the appearances - I discovered beautiful souls who were a blessing to know, regardless of how they look, or talk, or act, or eat, or whatever else sometimes divides us.

Made me wonder how many times I have missed a friendship just because a person wasn't "like" me.

Let's not do that again!

2. I need JESUS.

Ahhhhhh, the most important things I learned(And not for the first time, I might add). Numbers 2 and 1.

Let's be real: 

The trip was great. 

We had fun adventures and made good memories.

But it was also full of struggle for me. 

Although I am doing much better with regards to dealing with depression, there are times...(Like when I'm in close proximity to family 24/7 and I'm trying to keep peace, make decisions which will satisfy everyone, guide plans to best utilize our resources, answer the same questions repeatedly, and not blow my top - you know, when I'm on "vacation".) 

Yeah. 

There are times I feel like I'm losing the battle with my depressive tendencies. When my insecurities rise to the surface and the negative self-talk crushes the timid voice of truth which is trying to come through. When every little thing I hear someone say gets turned around in my head to be a jab at my very existence. When I'm pretty sure everyone around me is certain I am a failure.

And then, Jesus.

Jesus steps forward in moments like this one - when we were climbing to the top of a waterfall, and I stayed back because the climb got too steep for me. So I stood by myself, taking in the beauty of what I was seeing, overwhelmed by the majesty and power of our Creator God who could make such a display with rocks and water. And in that moment HE reminded me - His Voice of Truth spoke to my heart - that when I am weak, HE is strong. Though I am inadequate, HE is enough. My insecurities don't limit Him. HE is all I need.

  

1. God's plans are best. Always.

And, the number one thing I learned on vacation - which God has shown me time and time, again: 

HIS plans are best. Always!

It was our last night in Colorado and I had an idea of something that would be special to do with my daughter on our "final" night together. But it didn't happen as I had imagined, and the disappointment - in combination with the week-long struggle I described in #2 - was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I could do nothing to hold back the tears any longer. So, I wept.

Yet, as God would have it, something different happened which was far greater and more significant than the original plan I'd had in my mind. Yes, HE did immeasurably more than all I had asked or imagined (Eph. 3:20) 

And my heavenly Father graciously reminded me that I can trust Him to do what is good.

Even in the face of what looks disappointing.

I pray, my friend, that you may also be convinced of this wonderful Truth.

Inside Sadness

I've never hidden that I'm a little behind the times, have I?
Like in the fact that I am still using a basic phone. Hey, it still works just as well as the day I got it. Three and a half years ago. Although, I think I want to get a smart phone in the next few months.
I mean, really? I just want a camera. But who buys cameras anymore?

Ahhh, I digress.

Anyway, about being behind the times - I finally saw the movie Inside Out this weekend.
To be fair, we did try to see it in the movie theaters months ago.
Twice, in fact. But both times when we got there the showing had been sold out.
Oh, I had tried to get the family out the door early.
"Relax, Mom," they said.
"We have plenty of time," they said.
"Don't be in such a rush," they said.
"Sorry, that show is all sold out," the gal at the ticket counter said.
"Told you so!!!!" I wanted to say. (Someone must have been keeping Anger away from my control panel in order to keep me quiet. *ahem*)

So, this weekend, we finally saw it. And although the movie wasn't what I had expected - I loved it.
Because it allowed me to think about feelings.
Was it just me? Or did other people who've seen Inside Out also feel exhausted when Joy was running around trying to keep everything "happy?" I mean, I'm all for being happy and having a good time. But that character had me gasping for breaths with the way she was racing here and there, trying to keep Sadness from touching anything.
And as the movie played on, and Riley kept going deeper and deeper into her pit of despair, I just wanted to jump into the scene and hug her. Invite her to cry on my shoulder. Let her know she was loved. That the darkness wouldn't overwhelm her. That it was OK to miss her old home, yet encourage her that her new home would be good, too.

I was so glad that's where the story line ended up going.

Because as one who has struggled with feelings of despair, I know. Simply having someone say, "Cheer up!" "It isn't that bad!" "Everyone has tough times." "This, too, shall pass," does nothing to help.
Forgive me, Joy, for not receiving your remarks the way they're likely intended, but when you're in the bottom of a pit - words are pretty meaningless.
I remember in those days, wishing someone would just put an arm around me and tell me it was OK to feel sad, frustrated, upset, even lost. Platitudes weren't what I needed. I so desperately wanted to know that I was still loved - even when I wasn't feeling lovely. (Not that such gestures would have kept me from needing anti-depressants, but I sure would've felt less lonely.)
So I was delighted at the end of the movie to see memories touched by all of Riley's emotions. I was thankful to see an acknowledgement on the screen that sadness and hard times can be mixed in with joy - that they aren't mutually exclusive. And I was glad for Hollywood's encouragement for us to put our arms around a sad person and invite them to share their feelings - that we might love them where they're at, and encourage them to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Have you seen Inside Out? What did you think?

When Angels Come Knocking

Oh, the beauty of God and His gracious ways.

I was struggling fiercely on Sunday with depressive thoughts.
As in, I can't remember the last time I have felt so rotten. I kept "hearing" everything as an attack on who I am. Fighting off the lies with the Truth was physically exhausting me. In my head I knew this was a battle which has already been won. I knew I have the Holy Spirit on my side, and He will empower me with everything I need to overcome these conflicts.
Still, I was feeling low.
And going lower.
Couldn't wait until it was time to go to bed and start on a new day.
But Monday morning I woke up ready to go back to bed. Soooo tired. Monday never waits for me, though, so I got up and began my day. I was thankful for a fresh start, trusting in God's mercies which are new every morning, and hopeful it would be a better day. Yet, the cloud from Sunday seemed to still be hanging over my head.
Until...

An angel came knocking.
I was sitting at the table avoiding the laundry which needed folding catching up on Facebook (Yeah. That's it!) when there was a knock at my door. And in walked a friend. Her sweet spirit lit up the entire room when she entered. (It's a big "open" room. That's how bright her presence was. *smile*) She was just stopping by quick to bring me a couple things she had for me, and before she left she said, "Prayer?" I looked in her kind eyes, and I knew her offer was real. So I told her about Sunday. She put her hands on my shoulders and took me to the Throne where she asked my Father to lift me up.
And I realized He already was. God had been lifting me up from the moment my friend walked through my door. He knew what I needed, and He made it happen.

Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.

Isaiah 65:24

Oh, the beauty of God and His gracious ways!

Behind the Smile

I imagine you were as devastated Monday as I was when you heard of Robin Williams' death. So many thoughts running through my head. Questions. Memories. More questions.
I didn't know Mr. Williams had battled depression. I mean, who woulda thunk it? He was always smiling, laughing, being fun and funny. How could there be a depressed bone in his body?

I thought about all the times I have laughed at his comedic acts - starting way-back-when in the days of Mork and Mindy. When a movie came out in which he was starring, I almost always went to see it. Because I knew he would have me laughing and feeling good. He as just that kind of guy. Happy, laughing, and fun to be around. I never would have suspected he suffered with depression.

After some more thought I realized - a smile can be a very convincing mask.
I mean, look at this one:

This picture was taken at our Christmas gathering in 2010. I spent the majority of that day exiting the room to go cry where no one could see me. I was such a stinkin' mess!
But when it was time for the annual family photo, I dug down somewhere deep inside and pulled out the best smile I could muster at the moment. Just to make it look on the outside like everything was OK on the inside.
And there's this one, from a few days later. Another family gathering. Another opportunity to smile for the camera so everything "looks" OK.

But, I'm telling you, the girl behind the smile was not OK.
I am so very thankful for the people who loved me enough to push me to get the help I needed. So thankful I am not living under the cloud of depression now like I was then.

Robin Williams' death is a tragedy. To be sure. However, my hope is that as result of learning about his struggle, people will be more willing to address the reality of depression. Just because a person wears a beautiful smile doesn't mean he or she isn't hurting.

If you are struggling and would like to talk further about depression - but don't feel comfortable leaving a comment, please feel free to send me an email.

Lessons From the Edge

I have so much growing to do.

And as if I needed further proof of that truth, I just got it by the fact that typing it out was such a chore. *ahem*
When I returned from vacation, I came back to work to a new supervisor. That is, we now have our FULL TIME Life Engagement Director in place at Edgewood. I am continuing on in my part-time roll, and that makes her my supervisor. And, as you may recall from a previous post, I am very happy to have her on staff. The demands of my job are way too much for a 24-hour/week position. Together, she and I are going to be able to bring a much better program.
I have known these benefits in my head for a very long time. But when we began putting together some plans this week, I discovered my heart still has a way to go. That is, we are coming up with some really cool ideas and I love the plans we're making. I'm excited for August when we're going to unveil our first month of "together" plans.
BUT, as Shelly and I were brainstorming and building off one another, I began to sink back to my feelings of inadequacy. Thoughts like this were going through my head: But I did a good job, didn't I? I planned cool stuff, didn't I? Or, maybe not. These activities we're planning are awesome. Why didn't I ever come up with something like this on my own? Why couldn't I be as good as her? I'm such a loser.
And, to be honest, I felt like I was on the verge of tears much of the time.

Thankfully, God caught me as I was falling. He reminded me of the Truth I learned before. And He reassured me, it's still True today.

The thing is, it really frustrates me to ride this roller-coaster of ups and downs, feeling good and struggling with depressive episodes.
I just want to be steady.
But I'm not.
I'm still learning. Still growing. Still in need of a Savior.
And, ya know? The more I think about it, the more I understand this is the best place for me to be. Constantly needing and receiving the grace of my Father.

I have so much growing to do.
And that's a very good thing.

Disclaimer: The ideas and opinions expressed in this post are my own, and may not necessarily reflect those of Vista Springs Living Centers.

Like Mother, Like Daughter?

We both have brown hair.
Our eyes are similar.
We like the same music.
Both of us enjoy reading.
We laugh at the same jokes.
You'd be surprised if you heard us belch.
And we both love God with our whole heart.
These are some of the reasons I am sure Elizabeth is my girl.
She's just like me in so many ways!

But I've been noticing another similarity over the past couple years which has me wondering if she inherited more than my witty charm, refined tastes, and astonishingly good looks. *wink*
That is, I notice her crying an awful lot. Often times the tears come with little or no prompting. The other day she did her best to convince me nothing was wrong. She just had to cry. She thought maybe she was too tired. Whatever the reason - she couldn't stop the tears from coming.
And as I sat there watching her - searching for the words to say which would give her some level of comfort - I couldn't help but wonder.
Did my girl get my wacky Serotonin issues, too?
The question came to me because I saw so much of my old self in the girl sitting across the table from me. The look of hopelessness and helplessness. The expression of frustration at not knowing why she couldn't stop crying. Or why she was crying in the first place. The despair.
It was all too familiar to me.
And I wondered.
Still do.
The thing is, I don't want to project my struggles onto her.
So I hesitate to ask the question. Because I don't want Elizabeth to take on something that isn't true of her - just because I suggest it.
Annnnd, on the other hand, I don't want her to battle with a thing until she's nearly 40, just because she doesn't realize she's battling it. Don't want her to simply think she's odd and needs to suffer with her oddness. Wondering what on earth is wrong.

So I'm doing what I always do when I don't know what to do. I'm asking my Father to lead me; to show me what I need to see; to move me where I need to go.
And I'm waiting.
Trusting. And waiting.

Welcome to My Alphabet

Some moms look at the crazy goings-on in their homes and wearily say to guests,
"Welcome to my zoo."

Are you one of them?

I have certainly had the occasion to feel like my house was more of a zoo than a home.
I recently came to the realization, however, that this house may be better defined as an alphabet.

I've shared stories here about my boys and their ADD/ADHD antics. Well, the other day Matthew (my ADHD guy) was doing his chores - vacuuming the living room carpet. All was well until I heard the vacuum stop moving. For quite a while.
And I wondered, What is he doing now?
The boy gets so easily distracted. I could just imagine him gathering up air soft pellets from the floor and running to his room to put them back in his gun.
While leaving the vacuum running.
Or forgetting what he was doing altogether and leaving the vacuum behind to carry on with a completely different activity.

I rounded the corner to confirm my suspicions, only to find Matthew kneeling on the floor - vacuum tube in hand - sucking up every individual air soft pellet and speck of dirt.
He was intent on getting it all.
Seeing him there reminded me of the time I asked him to wipe the door of a cabinet in the kitchen. He ended up spending a good hour cleaning up so much more than I asked of him.
And there was the time I walked into the eating nook and found him with a toothpick digging out stuck-in dirt from the seams in the table. Oh, and that other time he cleaned out my computer keyboard in a similar manner.
Have I ever mentioned that I think the boy has a touch of OCD? *wink*
My GAD and MDD can make the ADD/ADHD/OCD tricky to handle at times. Add to that an occasional bout of IBS, some PMS every now and then, and regular fits of RLS - and you've got quite a mix of letters, moods and issues.

Yes, friends, welcome to my alphabet.

I'm just glad we're missing BBS, SFS, and EGD.

It's JOY Week!

Did you know the third week of advent is Joy?

The sermon I heard on Sunday was all about joy.
And it was good!

As one who battles depression, two quotes which were shared during the sermon were particularly meaningful to me.
What do you think of these words?

The evil one is pleased with sadness and melancholy because he himself is sad and melancholy and will be so for all of eternity; hence he desires that everyone should be like himself. ~St. Francis

Joy is natural in the presence of God. Joy is a pervasive sense of well-being that is deeper and broader than any pleasure. It is a basic element of inner transformation into Christlikeness and the outer life that flows from it. ~Dallas Willard

On the one hand, it makes me mad to think of the evil one being pleased when I am in one of my down moods. I don't want him to be pleased with anything in my life.
And, on the other hand, it inspires me all the more to lean in to God and fix my eyes on HIM. I have learned - and continue to learn! - that I must focus on God, and tell myself the Truth in order to find joy in the midst of motherhood, and all other aspects of life.

If you're like me and you sometimes struggle with feeling down, will you join me this week in pursuing joy? Let us take our eyes off our circumstances and fix them on the One who loved us enough to give us His Son.

In your presence there is fullness of joy.

Psalm 16:11 (ESV)

Positive Self-Talk, a la Psalm 42

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savoir and my God.

~Psalm 42:5

I am presently memorizing and meditating on this verse.
And I'm lovin' it!
I picture the psalmist, discouraged by his circumstance, and giving his soul a pep talk.
Telling himself the Truth.

I don't know if the writer struggled with clinical depression. I doubt if they had any such understanding in his day. But - as one who does struggle with it - I am inspired by his way of dealing with the down times. I can almost hear myself echoing his words, Why are you troubled, Karen? Why the long face and heavy heart? Don't waste any more time feeling depressed. Get your focus back on your Father! HE is your hope and salvation. HE will redeem you. Even in this.

Oh, what the Truth does for my spirit!

Messy Me: Part 3

So, I went through a weekend which was supposed to be fun, but seemed more like a pit to me.

But God used it for good.

In the days that followed, I had good conversations. Healing, even. And I came to some realizations which are strengthening my resolve to be mentally healthy.
*It really is OK that I need my meds. A mental illness is just as worthy of treatment as a physical illness.
*Feeling good is normal and OK. This one took a little more time for me to understand. For as long as I can remember, I have had some sort of guilty feeling when things have gone well for me. Like, I had trouble admitting that I had a nice nap, or that I fully enjoyed an afternoon alone. Somehow, I always felt it necessary to find something which had gone wrong - so when a person asked how my this-or-that was, I could give a less-than-good report.
It seems depression has shaped my thinking for far too long, and warped my sense of what is good. Such that I thought "bad" was the only thing "good". I am finally coming to understand that it is good, and normal, and OK to feel good.
*Therefore, when I take my meds and I feel good, that's OK. I have increased my dosage so I am no longer taking nearly nothing. I feel a lot better. And I am asking God to help me find the level which is best for me.

My story is not finished yet. I know my struggle is not over. But God sees the end. HE sees Messy Me, and HE knows how it is all going to be resolved. I am trusting Him with every breath as I wait for the conclusion to be Written.
************************************************************************
It has been a joy and a privilege to share my depression story with you here this week. Depression can feel like a very lonely road, and I pray my openness has been encouraging to some.
Even freeing.
Blogger tells me more people have been reading these posts about depression than my other posts typically reach. And that increase tells me this subject matters. We need to talk about it. We need to get rid of the stigma depression has held for so long!
Even so, I realize some of you may feel uncomfortable leaving comments here (And I totally understand!) so I want to invite you to email me. There's a link on the sidebar to the right.
Really.
If you need to talk, I am happy to listen and pray!

Messy Me: Part 2

OK, where was I?
Ah, yes! I decided to try reducing the dosage of my anti-depressant.

Going from being a person who cries all the time, to one who never cries was a little weird for me.
I thought something was wrong because I didn't cry at times I deemed appropriate. (Sad movies, touching stories, etc.) I began to label myself as "artificially happy". Because I didn't think it was normal to feel good most of the time.
So I began taking less of my meds. My goal was to be able to cry at the appropriate times, without falling into the pit I was in before - when I cried uncontrollably.

When I was at the point of taking nearly nothing, I thought I was good - because I hadn't fallen into that pit. However, I soon discovered "no-uncontrollable-crying" was not a good standard by which to measure how healthy I am.
I was camping with some friends when the realization hit me. No one was being "unkind" to me, but I kept hearing remarks which led me down the path toward negative self-talk.
Not to worry, though! I knew how to tell myself the truth about those remarks. I knew how to combat my tendency to operate with a depressed mind. And I was successful.
No fits of uncontrolled crying!
Yet, as I moved through the weekend, I found myself totally unmotivated to do anything. I was worn out and all I really wanted to do was sleep.
Just be alone, and sleep.
I'm not sure when it occurred to me, but at some point in time I realized what was going on. Yes, I was combating the negativity my mind was hearing. I could go through the appropriate exercises. But it was totally exhausting me! The mental and emotional gymnastics I was performing took a physical toll on me, too. When I finally sat down to talk about it with a friend, the flood gates opened up. And I was not at a loss for tears.

While at the time that weekend seemed like its own kind of pit, when it passed I could totally see God using it for good. Annnnnnd, that's what I'll write about tomorrow.

Messy Me: Here Goes!

OK, so part of the reason I said in yesterday's video that I would write about my depression journey this week is - so I'd do it!
I've been thinking about it a lot, meaning to write about it, but just not taking (having!) the time to follow through. HOWEVER, yesterday I said it, so now I'm doing it.

For those of you who don't know, in the spring of 2011 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In retrospect, I think I have probably been struggling with it all my life but I just thought that's how I was. I thought it was normal to feel the way I felt. But the tender and loving pushes from some instrumental people in my life convinced me otherwise, and I finally went to see a psychiatrist.
The result of my doctor's visit was that I began understanding anxiety and depression. I started practicing how to think correctly. I embarked on a journey of learning how to talk myself out of the negativity to which I had grown so accustomed.

AND, I started taking an anti-depressant.

There it is. Big and bold and stand-outish. I take an anti-depressant.

I was so afraid to begin the meds. So ashamed of what people might think. Oh, I had no problem with other people needing anti-depressants. But I thought if I needed them, my faith must somehow not be strong enough. There must be something seriously wrong with me as a human being. It was just another indicator to me that I am not good enough.
So, my Mr. Wonderful went and filled my first prescription for me. (Because I used to work at the pharmacy, and I was too embarrassed to let my former co-workers know that I am such a mess.)

It took some time but, when the meds began taking effect, I could not believe the difference they made for me. Instead of immediately resorting to my old way of negative thinking and self-deprecation, I felt like the medicine gave me time to think reasonably. It was like a whole new world had opened up to me. And I was loving it!
However, as time went on and I had conversations with some different people, I began to believe it was not a good thing for me to be on my meds. (Really, I was just hearing their opinions. And not thinking rationally.) So after I'd been taking them for a year, I took myself off of them. I figured: I had a year under my belt of practicing positive self-talk and reasonable thinking. It was time to see if I could do it on my own.

Uh, I couldn't.

A family trip to Disney, and trying to stay positive in my own (lack of) strength convinced me - I had just conducted the dumbest experiment of my adult life.
I returned to taking my meds.
And I swore to myself I would never try that again.

Except about a year later, I decided I would just try reducing my dosage. *ahem*
I'll pick up there tomorrow.

New Self-Talk

I've mentioned that one of the ways I am combating depression is with improving my self-talk. When I do something which would typically send me downward, I literally say to myself, "It's OK," and I move on with life. It's a pretty good set up.

So, last weekend Brian was watching me make dinner. I was browning two pounds of ground beef and he commented something about that being a lot of meat. I went on to explain that I'd purchased a two-pound package and put it in the freezer without breaking it down first. (I probably said, "It's OK," when I realized my oversight. *wink*) So as I was making my menu plans for the week, I decided to make lasagna one night and tacos the next. That way I could use up all the ground beef in two nights. Voila! Problem solved.
And, right on cue, Brian said, "You're awesome!"
I looked at him and smiled. "Thanks. I needed that." He asked me why, and I told him I'd been feeling down because of some stupid/forgetful things I'd done. (Or NOT done, as the case may be. *ahem*) And, right on cue again, he asked if I'd been practicing my self-talk. I assured him, I was. Several times that day I had told myself, "It's OK." Avoided the downward spiral, but I still wasn't feeling very good.
Then I had a light bulb moment and said, "I know! I need to change my self-talk. From now on I'll say, 'It's OK. And I'm AWESOME!'"

Yeah. That ought to make me feel good. *wink*