Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Messy Me: Part 2

OK, where was I?
Ah, yes! I decided to try reducing the dosage of my anti-depressant.

Going from being a person who cries all the time, to one who never cries was a little weird for me.
I thought something was wrong because I didn't cry at times I deemed appropriate. (Sad movies, touching stories, etc.) I began to label myself as "artificially happy". Because I didn't think it was normal to feel good most of the time.
So I began taking less of my meds. My goal was to be able to cry at the appropriate times, without falling into the pit I was in before - when I cried uncontrollably.

When I was at the point of taking nearly nothing, I thought I was good - because I hadn't fallen into that pit. However, I soon discovered "no-uncontrollable-crying" was not a good standard by which to measure how healthy I am.
I was camping with some friends when the realization hit me. No one was being "unkind" to me, but I kept hearing remarks which led me down the path toward negative self-talk.
Not to worry, though! I knew how to tell myself the truth about those remarks. I knew how to combat my tendency to operate with a depressed mind. And I was successful.
No fits of uncontrolled crying!
Yet, as I moved through the weekend, I found myself totally unmotivated to do anything. I was worn out and all I really wanted to do was sleep.
Just be alone, and sleep.
I'm not sure when it occurred to me, but at some point in time I realized what was going on. Yes, I was combating the negativity my mind was hearing. I could go through the appropriate exercises. But it was totally exhausting me! The mental and emotional gymnastics I was performing took a physical toll on me, too. When I finally sat down to talk about it with a friend, the flood gates opened up. And I was not at a loss for tears.

While at the time that weekend seemed like its own kind of pit, when it passed I could totally see God using it for good. Annnnnnd, that's what I'll write about tomorrow.



happyhome said...

The pit is a scary place to be and yet He always met me there. Depression is the white elephant in the room that needs to be talked about and kicked to the curb. Keep sharing sister! I'm praying for you!

Karen Hossink said...

Angela - Thank you for your support. :)
I can see from the number of people reading these posts that there is a definite interest in talking about depression. Yes. Let's talk about it, and KICK IT!!!