Messy Me: Part 2

OK, where was I?
Ah, yes! I decided to try reducing the dosage of my anti-depressant.

Going from being a person who cries all the time, to one who never cries was a little weird for me.
I thought something was wrong because I didn't cry at times I deemed appropriate. (Sad movies, touching stories, etc.) I began to label myself as "artificially happy". Because I didn't think it was normal to feel good most of the time.
So I began taking less of my meds. My goal was to be able to cry at the appropriate times, without falling into the pit I was in before - when I cried uncontrollably.

When I was at the point of taking nearly nothing, I thought I was good - because I hadn't fallen into that pit. However, I soon discovered "no-uncontrollable-crying" was not a good standard by which to measure how healthy I am.
I was camping with some friends when the realization hit me. No one was being "unkind" to me, but I kept hearing remarks which led me down the path toward negative self-talk.
Not to worry, though! I knew how to tell myself the truth about those remarks. I knew how to combat my tendency to operate with a depressed mind. And I was successful.
No fits of uncontrolled crying!
Yet, as I moved through the weekend, I found myself totally unmotivated to do anything. I was worn out and all I really wanted to do was sleep.
Just be alone, and sleep.
I'm not sure when it occurred to me, but at some point in time I realized what was going on. Yes, I was combating the negativity my mind was hearing. I could go through the appropriate exercises. But it was totally exhausting me! The mental and emotional gymnastics I was performing took a physical toll on me, too. When I finally sat down to talk about it with a friend, the flood gates opened up. And I was not at a loss for tears.

While at the time that weekend seemed like its own kind of pit, when it passed I could totally see God using it for good. Annnnnnd, that's what I'll write about tomorrow.