Heart Check

Last week I made plans to take my kids to a park. We were going to meet some friends there, have a picnic together, go swimming, fishing, play on the play ground. Whatever. My kids always enjoy this park and I was looking forward to taking them there. *Read this: I was happy it was my idea to go. Was anticipating their pleasure in me arranging this outing for them.*
The morning of our outing to the park arrived and I busied myself making sandwiches and packing our lunch while Joshua and his friend flooded the yard searched for worms to take fishing. I was singing and happy to be getting ready - when Matthew told me he really didn't want to go.

What???

I don't even remember his reason for suddenly being against the idea, but I remember my disappointment. And how quickly I became irritated. I'd made these plans. My plans were supposed to bring enjoyment to my kids. And now my son was saying he didn't want to go? Had he forgotten all the times in the previous week he complained to me of his boredom?
I reminded Matthew of his boredom complaints and told him I was leaving for the park in two minutes. If he wanted to come along, he needed to be ready and in the van.

Then Elizabeth told me she really didn't want to go, either.

Grrrr.

Seemed she had also forgotten about the recent, 'There's nothing to do,' comments. So I reminded her of them and reasoned with her that she should come to the park with us.

At this point, a significant portion of my excitement about taking my kids to the park was waning. I had really expected them to be happy about going. Usually they are asking me to take them here or there. But this time I was volunteering to take them, and I thought - somehow - that should make the outing more special to them. I thought they would reason, Hey, Mom is doing this for me. And she's made a picnic for us. This is going to be so fun!
But instead, I had been met with resistance. And I was irritated.

To top it all off, as I finally got Elizabeth and Matthew in the van with all our necessary things, I realized Joshua and his friend were still busy flooding the yard gathering worms. I thought, Great. Now we're going to be late to meet our friends, too. *humpf*

And I started the van - to signify to Joshua that I was serious about it being time to leave.

But before I went a step further, God grabbed hold of my heart.

This song was playing on the radio:
The chorus was playing and I couldn't ignore the revelation God opened up before my eyes. I quickly became aware how full of me I was at that moment. This day was supposed to be about my kids, and suddenly it had become all about me.

I was upset because my kids weren't responding to my efforts the way I wanted them to.

As the tears welled up in my eyes, I joined in singing the chorus.
Lord, empty me of me so I can be filled with You!

And as I waited for the boys to get the rest of their worms, I prayed and asked God to help my children and me have a nice time together at the park. So thankful that He had spoken to me about my heart - to get me off the irritable track and onto His.

Oh! And the reason I knew I needed to pay attention to that song on the radio?
When I turned on the van and looked at the clock - it was 11:11.

*wink*