I Dreamed a Dream

Brian and I spent last weekend at a marriage retreat in northern Michigan.

It was amazing.
If you live in Michigan and you're married, you really need to go. I believe they're having another retreat in March. Check out this website for details/contact information.
And don't wait long because space is limited.
You're welcome.

So, back to this past weekend. We spent some time thinking about/remembering the dreams we had when we were kids, regarding marriage and relationships. And over the course of two days, good time alone with God, and several conversations with my husband I realized just how much I dreamed of being pursued. Cherished. Wanted. Delighted in. But I was only able to "dream" about that as a teen. Because my real-life relationships (as opposed to those in my dream world) were all sabotaged by my stupid decisions. *Read that: When I gave in and became sexually active, I believed my boyfriends only wanted me for that reason.
And since I wanted to be wanted for me, I always broke up with them.
But I kept on dreaming that someone would cherish me.

As the weekend progressed, God unveiled another problem with my dream. That is, I feared people wouldn't love me if they knew about the unacceptable things I'd done. It surprised me to recall how many times I'd lied - even as a little girl about things like wetting the bed - because I didn't want people to know the truth. I didn't want to appear less desirable.
I wanted to be wanted.
And I began to understand my desire today to do things "perfectly" had grown from my belief that I could not/would not be cherished if I didn't do everything right.
Then Jesus stepped in and reminded me of the Truth:

HE knows everything about me.
Every.single.thing.
The good, the bad, AND the ugly.
And HE cherishes me.

Jesus knows all my imperfections. He saw me every night when I wet my bed. He knows about each time I gave myself to one of those guys. Jesus saw me each time I lost my temper and yelled at my children. He is completely aware of everything about which I feel shame.
And still, HE cherishes me. HE delights in me. Jesus loves me!

Know what else?
None of the things which have brought me shame are news to Brian. He knows about all of them, too. And as we processed these memories together this weekend, my husband reminded me again that he cherishes me. He delights in me. He loves me.
And the sex? Well, yeah. He loves that, too! *wink*

Living my dream,