Thursday, October 15, 2009

What Do YOU Need to Hear?

Have you ever been having trouble with your children, been struggling through an issue, experiencing frustration and you just need to tell someone about it? Then the opportunity presents itself (i.e., you're in the presence of another woman) and you pour out your heart, and she responds with something like, "Everybody goes through it," or, "Just try..."
I have been in that position more than once, and my heart sinks everytime I get one of those responses.

Recently I have been thinking about it more, wondering why I react inside the way I do. Surely, the women who are talking to me have good intentions. They're trying to be helpful. So why does my heart sink when I hear their words?
Like I said, I've been pondering it more, and I believe I have come to an understanding of myself. I'm wondering if you might feel the same way.
When I am struggling, there is something I need to hear more than condolences and solutions. While it's nice to know I am not the only one who has ever faced this situation, although advice can be beneficial, what I really need to hear is that my feelings are valid. I need someone to tell me that it's reasonable for me to be weary, because this thing I'm facing is hard. Then I need them to take my hand and lead me to my Father's throne and pray for me. I need to be reminded that, although the circumstance seems too much for me, God can handle it - and He's going to carry me through it.
And then? I think I'm ready to listen to suggestions.

How about you? When you're struggling, what to you need to hear?

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Leah said...


We are on vacation and so I have not been in blogland much but I just HAD to respond to this one.

For me, I meet this scenario, not with children, since I have none, but with my husband. His Y-chromosome nature wants to fix everything and so when I try to talk with him about an issue I am having, he tends to give advice to fix it, when what I really desired was just someone to listen to me. I need someone that I can bounce ideas off of without expecting them to fix my problem.

Also, I don't want to feel stupid or like my issue is miniscule. Not saying that my husband does that but it is a possibility regardless of who we voice our concerns to.


luvmy4sons said...

It is important to HEAR someone...when they offer suggestions without recognition of your feelings you don't feel heard. I try to validate the feelings and then offer hope AFTER... for me I know I have had to tell hubby that I did not want him to fix it. I just wanted him to hear me, tell me it is okay that I am feeling the way I do, and tell me it will all be okay. Hugs! Blessings sweet sister.

Deirdre said...

I want to hear validation and that the person I've just poured my heart out to still loves/respects/enjoys me even if I'm at my wits end.

And just keep pointing me back to Jesus.

Anonymous said...

YES!!! And THIS is why I come here to your site everyday!!!

Patricia nyc

Jerralea said...

I agree with what you said, I definitely want my feelings validated, but maybe I'm weird, but I like to know that I'm not the only one who's felt this way, or been through a situation like this.

I guess I want all of it! I want validation, advice, and the comfort of knowing I'm not alone, people have been where I am and made it through.

mommyshaw3 said...

It's funny you should ask this question today. My therapist and I were talking about my son's feelings about going back and forth from his father's house to mine (been divorced for 10 years) and how he says "this stinks" and "this isn't fair". I was questioning her as to what to say in response . . . and her solution was to MEET HIM WHERE HE IS. Don't try to minimize or try to make him feel better, just validate his feelings and tell him "ya know what this does stink!" give him permission to feel the way he feels. (I think that's what we all need when we are feeling low or in a tough spot).

Angie Muresan said...

I have an amazing group of friends I have grown up with. We have seen each other through all sorts of issues and get together weekly for coffee, prayer, potluck dinners, and playdates for the kids. Somehow they all know what to say, and that's because they think before they open their mouths and let the Spirit guide them.

Rosy Caesar said...

YES, YES, YES, yes, yes Karen. I totally agree with you. I want someone first to acknowledge what I have been through and after that I am ready to listen anything.

Beth.. One Blessed Nana said...

I think we have all been here precious sister. We all just need someone to actually admit they have been on the same page as we are on. We KNOW it will get better, but sometimes we need them to just agree with us, ya know? When my kids were little I would try to focus on the fact that far too soon, they would be grown.

NOw that I have grandbabies, I see just how fast THEY are growing.

When you are struggling, I think a friend who will pray with you and for you would be the most awesome and helpful thing!

I can pray anytime you need it Karen.