Tuesday, April 24, 2012

What I Learned

Have you ever done something and in retrospect wondered, What was I thinking???

Without boring you with unnecessary details, I'll just tell you that a couple months ago I decided to wean myself off my anti-depressant. I thought after a year of learning how to think rationally - instead of negatively - maybe I would be able to do it "on my own." Maybe I could keep anxiety and depression at bay without the help of medicine.

Boy, did I have more to learn.

I found myself staying awake late thinking about "everything" I needed to do. Tears were a much more frequent visitor again. The common stresses of everyday life were heaping up on me and I was feeling like I was going to drown in them. Despair was beginning to rear it's ugly head again. While he hasn't come right out and said it, I have concluded Brian was sick of wasn't enjoying the "old" me, either.
It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out taking the anti-depressant again would be the best thing for me to do. And - while I am not a rocket scientist - I believe I have learned a valuable thing through this "experiment".

While the re-training I went through for my thinking was important and needed, positive thinking - alone - is not enough for me. There is something very real and physical (chemical) going on in me which my thoughts aren't going to change. That's why I'm taking the anti-depressant again.
And now the positive self-talk I'm repeating sounds a little bit like this: It's OK to need to take this medicine. You weren't ashamed to take medicine for your seizures, so don't be ashamed about this one. Your family needs you to be your best you. AND God loves you no matter what!

Those thoughts - combined with the kind words of understanding friends, and a confidence that God will carry me - are helping me see the light again. I am so thankful for what I have learned.


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