Wednesday, November 14, 2012

My Filters Might Need Fixing

Have you ever struggled to understand what God was trying to say to you?

Ever wondered if you might be the one confusing the process, because of the filters through which you're hearing Him?

No? Please tell me how you do it!!!

Because I think I might need to do something about my filters.
Last week at Edgewood I was overcome with delight by several encouraging words and blessed interactions I had with residents. Some of them thanked me for the work I am doing. Some told me how much they enjoyed the activities we're doing. One woman said I'm the "best" Activities Director they've had since she's been there. (And she's been there for 14 years.) Another woman told me she was so thankful that I was at Edgewood, as I helped her getting around her apartment. I heard these things, and my heart smiled. BIG.

I say all this - not to make myself sound wonderful - but to help you understand my struggle.

You see, I realize if I heard these things under different circumstances, I would hear them as confirmation that I am doing what I need to be doing; that I am where God wants me to be. But as it is, I am having trouble hearing it this way at Edgewood.
Not sure how much I've expressed it here, but I often feel bitter about the fact that I have to work. I feel stretched too thin - wanting to give my best at Edgewood, then feeling like I have very little left to give when I get home. To be honest, I get tired of feeling like I'm "always" working - when I'm getting paid for it, and when I'm not. Oh, how I wish I had more time to devote to my speaking ministry. I miss other ways I used to serve before work, and I think, If I didn't have to do this, I could do that!
Sunday when I was at church, I heard a woman talking about how she is able to bless a single mom by watching her son after school so he has a safe place to stay while his mom works. And I thought to myself, I want to be able to do that for someone! Why do I have to work? I want to be a blessing, too!

Even as I write out this post and read over my words, it seems so easy to see.
I am a blessing.
I am making a difference in the lives of people.
It is good for me to be at Edgewood.

But, why is it so hard for that which is in my head to get to my heart?
I'm certain God is speaking to me. I so want to understand what He's saying. Perhaps my filters need fixing. Maybe I need to let go of expectations?
I'd love a neon sign, LORD. Of course, a billboard would do!

And, of course, just about the time I'm almost ready to say I'll make Edgewood my focus, a dear friend recalls that we met because I spoke for her MOPS group, and she says, "What a blessing that you speak for MOPS!"
Waiting for that sign...



Anonymous said...

God knows your heart Karen. Keep laying these issues/struggles at His feet. I believe He will guide you. He opens doors at times that we don't even know what He is doing. I definitely understand your struggle though, it is a tough place to be. Your struggle reminds me of what I just read in The Growing your faith book...recognizing your gifts 165-167, specifically I thought of the information on pg 167 discussing natural abilities and spiritual gifts.***chera

Karen Hossink said...

Chera - Thanks. I'll grab my copy and re-read that section. :)

Kaira said...

I definitely believe the Lord is using you in this season to minister to his people in their final season of life. And, I know he ministers to you through them as well. I pray he opens the door for your hearts desires as well.

Karen Hossink said...

Kaira - Thank you. I'm really wanting to hear what HE's saying, over what I "want" to hear.