My Offering

OK, so I've been going through this thing with the LORD.
With regards to this blog.
I mean, at times I wonder if I should keep on posting.
That is, I love writing about the things of life, the ways God is speaking, and the lessons He's teaching me. So many times He speaks to me as I write - clarifying thoughts in my head and convictions in my heart, as I seek to put them into words which someone else might understand. And I delight in the thought that what He is working in me might be something He would also use to bless another human soul.
But, here's the rub.
Sometimes I let low numbers discourge me. Oh, only 12 people opened that post?
Sometimes I let page hits define my worth. Ooooo! This one is getting attention! I guess I did something right.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm making a difference at all. Should I put in the effort to prepare a post for tomorrow? Will anybody read it???
So one day recently I sat in front of my computer, and I didn't type a single word.
Instead, I prayed.
I just prayed, and I asked God what HE wanted me to do.
And the converstaion which ensued between the two of us (Between HIS heart and mine.) has lasted for a couple of weeks.
It began with Him reminding me (again!) that my worth - and His pleasure in me - is not measured in numbers. Particularly, not the number of people who read what I've written, and not the number of comments or "likes" left here or on Facebook.
And then?
Then the Master and Creator of my heart got down to the business of speaking to my heart in a way that was at once difficult, but ultimately freeing. That is to say, as His Spirit spoke to my heart and dug through the reasons I was giving for wondering if I should keep writing, HE revealed my pride.
The "need" I thought I had for validation - you know, wanting to know someone had been touched by something I shared.
Even though I was telling myself it was honorable (Wanting to make a difference for the kingdom. Putting forth my best effort, praying for God's leading, and asking Him to speak through my words to the hearts of everyone (anyone?) who might read.) the Holy Spirit let me see it for what it really was: My ego wanting to be uplifted by knowing I had done something wonderful. Though I tried to justify it as being about Him, HE let me see it was really all about me. Writing those words feels ugly. But if I try to phrase them in a way that puts my self in a better light, well, pride wins again. And I am so done with losing that battle!!!

Yeah. So that was the difficult part.

Then the LORD asked my heart a very pointed question.
HE took me down a road I had not expected to go.
Karen, am I enough???
If I were the only One who saw what you wrote, if I were the only One who had the chance to look into your heart, if nobody but Me was ever going to see what you posted, would you still care to do your best? Would you still pray, would you still seek My heart, would you still be faithful - if it was only for Me?
I sat with those words for a while, not having realized my pride would have caused my God to feel second in my heart. Oh, it was never my intention to be held captive by the praises of men. Yet, there I was: Sensing that my Lord wondered if I would be willing to write if HE was my only audience.
As His words pierced my heart, I humbly apologized for losing sight of what matters. Then, with joyful conviction and a sense of being restored, I surrendered to Him one more time and said, "Yes, LORD. Yes. I will do this all for You. I will do this for only You. You are more than Enough!!!"

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men...
It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Colossians 3:23-24