Monday, February 04, 2008

The Very Long, Short-distance Journey

I'm guessing it's about twelve inches.

One foot.

A third of a yard.

The distance from my head to my heart is not very big, but the time it takes for something to travel between the two places seems to take a very long time.

And I need to set the journey in motion

I met with my mentor last week, and that is the assignment she gave me.
After our meetings, Jenni writes down the things we have discussed and she is very good about following up on them - which is what led to this assignment. She was asking me, "How are you doing with such and such?" and, "How did you respond to this situation?" And I kept hearing myself say, When I am thinking rationally, I know what is important...When I am thinking rationally, I know what is True...When I am thinking rationally... Yeah. When I am thinking rationally, things go so much better. But too often, I am thinking out of my brokenness and insecurities.
Like this issue I have with how certain people perceive me. (That would be the "such and such" about which Jenni was asking...) I am very self-conscious when it comes to thinking about how some people (like one of my kids' teachers) think of me. I want to be a good mom, and I want her to think I am, too. So when I get an email from her asking if I was aware my son didn't have snow pants at school that day, and telling me he got all wet at recess and would probably be a lot more comfortable if he had his snow pants, etc. I want to jump to my own defense. I want to say, I told him to get everything he needed for school this morning before we walked out the door. He said he wasn't going to go sledding at recess and didn't want to take his snow pants. I will let him make those decisions and hope he learns from them. I want to say those things because I don't want his teacher to think I am incapable of being a good mom. I want to say those things because I am thinking out of my brokenness.
But when I take a step back and start thinking with my head, I know it really doesn't matter what that teacher thinks of me. (BTW, she is an incredibly sweet woman, and I am sure she meant no condemnation with her email.) And I say to myself, Let it go, Karen. Seek to please God, not men. I remember what is True and right and good, and I feel a lot more peaceful. And that's good, right?
Yeah. It's good. But I need to get to the place where the things I know - everything True and right and good - reside in my heart and not just in my head. I "think" from my heart first, and I need all those true things to be in my heart. When those true things are at home in my heart, then the brokenness will no longer rule.
So Jenni told me I need to pray and ask the Lord to make that journey for me. To move those true things twelve inches - from my head to my heart. So I pray...

Father in heaven, thank You for loving me in spite of my brokenness. Thank You for Your unending patience with me. Thank You for speaking to me through Jenni. Thank You for giving me ears to hear You. And now I ask You, Father, to begin this journey for me. You have told me what is True. I know it well. Please take the things I know and make them part of who I am. Please move them into my heart!

And if you have this same head/heart disconnect, I invite you to join me on this journey!

I am setting out on another journey tomorrow. I will be speaking for a few MOPS groups in Minnesota Tuesday - Thursday, so I won't be posting again until this weekend. (Unless Chicago O'Hare has wireless...Then I'll be sure to tell you all about my trip while I'm on my little lay-over!) Anyway, I would love it if you would pray for me and the women to whom I will be speaking. (I'll be speaking Tuesday night and Wednesday and Thursday mornings.) Please pray that women will be able to make it to the meetings - I know there are some child-care issues - and that the children will be content in MOPPETS so their mommies can listen with their whole hearts rather than being concerned about their little ones.
I want to be an instrument God uses for His glory. Please pray that I will be faithful to Him!

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Rachel said...

What a great post, Karen! This is a very important journey and one I need to make with you. Those inches are monumental to overcome. May we both allow for His truth's to move into our hearts!

annie said...

You are an instrument for God Karen, I am praying for you.

Shawna said...

I'm the same way about feeling like I need other people's approval. This is such a huge issue with me. I read the book "Search for Signicance," which really helped me to see that God's approval is most important, but it's still a struggle. I'll be praying your speaking arrangements go well.

kreed said...

Head/heart disconnect? Wish I didn't know what that was!

Wendy said...

Karen, I always enjoy what you write, but I really appreciate what you've shared here. And I thought I was the only one that struggled like this! (Why do we so often assume no one else knows what it's like? Is it just me?) I'll be thanking God for speaking to me through you, as you did for Jenni, while I pray for your time with moms in Minnesota.

realworldmartha said...

I think most women can relate!!! What a blessing to have a mentor!


I pray for Karen as she travels and speaks to many Moms. help her words to be from you as she shares her heart!

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

What a blessing a mentor is. Praying for you sweet bloggy friend.

By the way, sledding at recess? Wow. I am so Texas. Wow. It's like 61 degrees here today and we are freezing. Sledding at recess. Wow.