Hmmmmm. God's been giving me lots to think about lately. Between alone times like this one and a couple of occasions with friends recently, I'm really starting to wonder who I am - and what makes me tick. More than that, I long to discover who God wants me to be - and what He wants me to do. Like, seriously. And it isn't very comfortable. The introverted part of me is quite content with the way things are. I love to sit in the quiet (Or walk in the sunshine!) and pray. And pray. And pray some more. I delight in the fellowship with my Father, and I love knowing He is actively listening - moving on behalf of these ones I cherish. BUT, when I am in a group of my peers I am feeling more and more like I don't fit in. And, honestly? That feeling makes me want to retreat to a comfortable place by myself. Only, I'm pretty sure God did not create me to be a hermit. And I resist the urge.
So, I feel like I am caught between two worlds. My comfortable, alone world (where I can minister through prayer and I am free to be me - because no one is watching and I don't feel judged), and the rest of the created world (where my heart wants to make a difference but my body feels so timid). What's really weird to me is that none of this struggle applies to speaking events/retreats. I love being in those settings. I thrive on the opportunities to present God's Word and to interact with the women who are present. It is as though this is a private challenge, rather than a public one. Anyway, I'm feeling kinda stuck. I'm wondering what God wants to do with me. With my relationships. With my heart. He created me. He knows my introverted ways. But I am wondering if His desire is to stretch me. To take me beyond my comfort zone. To live a little differently than I have been. So I am joining God on this hunt for who I am - asking Him to make me willing to follow the path He lays for me. Any words of wisdom from those of you who've been here and done this? *smile*
2 comments:
Karen, I am in that place right now. That place where I prefer to be alone, rather than in large groups. That place of quiet. I have to be careful, though, to make sure of what is pulling me to that place. Because of the turmoil and trauma of my past six months, it is easy to allow depression to pull me to that place. That is not good. In that place of quiet, my relationship with Jesus has intensified, and my trust in His heart and plan is greater. The Lord has me in a place of less public ministry and more one-on-one ministry. Each day brings another opportunity to reach out and touch a heart.
Okay, I just rambled. Hope some of that made sense.
Leah -Thanks for rambling. It does make sense. *smile*
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