Listening Through the Noise

God is simply amazing. Perfectly faithful, and always loving.

And He speaks, even when it's noisy.

Let me fill you in on what's been going on in my heart for the past several days.
Last week was particularly difficult for me, and I had a recurring sense that God was telling me I needed to listen to Him.
Listen.
That word just kept coming to my mind.
I thought it would be great if I could spend a couple days this week alone with God at a retreat center near my home. I was frazzled with motherhood, and very eager to hear whatever it was that God wanted to say to me. My heart was aching for this retreat!
My mother-in-law was going to come over to stay with the kids so I could really have peace of mind while I was retreating and I was sooooo looking forward to it. Then I called the retreat center Monday and discovered they were completely booked this week. No room for me.
And I cried.
I knew God was not surprised by the news, but I couldn't help wondering, Don't You want to be alone with me? Don't You have something You want to speak to my heart? Don't You love me??? Of course, I knew in my head those questions were not true, but at the moment the weariness and disappointment of my heart were over-riding all rational thought processes.
My hopes for a retreat next week were dashed when I remembered that my mother-in-law is going to be out of the state. A handful of other disappointments and frustrations were falling on me, too.
Although I knew God was still good, I just wanted to run away, change my name to something besides "Mom," be free from the bickering and arguing that my kids couldn't seem to do without, and simply rest in the quiet - where, surely, I could hear God speak.

But then friends started praying for me (Thank you!) and I got emails encouraging me to listen to Him at home, in the midst of the noise. I got a horrendous headache Monday night and couldn't control my tears, but my son gave me a wonderful hug and my daughter made a very sweet card for me - and I started to hear God telling me He loves me.
Then there was the song Tuesday morning, more words of encouragement from friends, a fun evening of exercise with my daughter, and Heaven's blog post Wednesday, and I was convinced that I could, indeed, listen to God through the noise.

Oh, I still intend to go to that retreat center. It may not be for a few more weeks, but I know I still need to have that time alone.

Yet, while I didn't understand on Monday why God would allow such disappointment, while I was wondering how this sequence of events could possibly be an expression of His love for me, while I was so desperate to just get away, He has reminded me - gently and faithfully - that His ways are perfect, that He does love me, and that I can listen through the noise.