Friday, April 30, 2010

Take Two

OK. I had this fun little post all written and ready to go for you Friday morning. A nice, hopeful, upbeat rendition of what's been going on this week.
Then Thursday happened.
And I couldn't let the original post run.
Because it just wasn't in line with how I'm feeling right now. And because I want to give you the REAL me when I write. Maybe someone else is feeling the way I'm feeling today, and maybe God will use my 'yuck' for His glory. Maybe He'll use it to encourage one of you in the midst of your yuck.

I hope so.

See, I started a part-time job this week - working as a cashier in the pharmacy at Meijer.
My co-workers are wonderful people. They're gracious and kind.
I have had neat opportunities to be the love of God to customers. And that has brought joy to my heart.

BUT (And this would be one time when I am not a fan of the big BUT.)

I am absolutely overwhelmed.
There is so much I have yet to learn in the pharmacy, and I do not feel like I am making a positive contribution to the team. I feel like I'm asking too many questions. There are too many times when I don't have the answers someone needs, and I don't like being in that position. I want to be helpful, but I feel like I need way more help than I can give.
So I left work Thursday questioning my worth as an employee, and came home to feel like a horrible mom. The un-done homework, the realization of other work that needed to be completed, the mess in the kitchen, all the 'stuff' of life that wasn't being accomplished made me want to run and hide. Made me think there isn't enough of me to be both an employee and a mom.

Because at the moment, I felt like I was failing at both.

And the *funny* thing is, I'm giving a talk Saturday for a Mother's Day luncheon about the feeding of the five thousand. I'm going to be talking to these women about the truth that our 'impossible' situations are possible - with Jesus. The devotion I have recorded for next Monday comes from this passage, too. It's about how Jesus can make us enough.
And maybe that's why I'm feeling so bad right now.
Because I know what's True.
I know I cannot do this stuff on my own.
I know I need to depend on God - that He is faithful, and He will carry me through this circumstance.
I know Jesus will make me enough.

I know it!

And I guess because I know these things are True, I feel a little foolish for being overwhelmed. Like, if I really had a firm grasp on the goodness and faithfulness of God, I wouldn't let my circumstance bring me down.
Yeah. I guess that's how I'm feeling.

Well, I don't have to work Friday. So I'm thinking God and I are going to be having a good 'sit-down' and we'll work through these feelings of mine.
He'll remind me of His love and faithfulness.
He will assure me of His goodness and presence.
He'll repeat to me His promise to carry me.
He will cause me to remember that His grace is enough.
(He's so predictable. I love that!)
And I will have faith that all is well - because of who HE is.

*Whew* Thanks for listening.

Love to you,

Karen

15 comments:

luvmy4sons said...

Oh...I understand. I remember feeling the very same way when I started working some outside the home. My good friend who had started on the journey a few months before me told me to give it time. At least 6 months for you to feel comfortable in your skin at your new job. She was right. I will still on occasion feel as if things at home are slipping the day after I work, but work is better. Hugs sweet sister. As always I love your heart and your transparency. God will use this in your talk as well. And I think it is okay if we are overwhelmed now and then. He remembers that we are dust. Keeps us leaning hard into Him! Blessings!

Anonymous said...

Karen I completly understand. Please give it time. I know going back to full time work for me has been quite overwelming. And I do not have kids at home any more.

The Lord has made you wonderful and you will in time make this adjustment.Lean on him. One of my prayers for my small group has been a prayer of time management and priorities since I went back to work. The Lord has gotten me through in the overwelming times. It does get better. It is a big adjustment you are making right now. Great idea for today.

Well off to get ready for work for me. Leaning on Him
Love & Hugs.
Pat Walsh

gianna said...

I have so been there (on more than one occasion!) You know what you have going for you? You LIKE to talk to God and you WANT to talk to God. Sometimes I would get so overwhelmed that I WOULDN'T talk to God because I thought it would be better for me to do it on my own. Silly me!

Heather {Desperately Seeking} said...

I feel your pain... and I've been here four months and I STILL don't feel like I know what I'm doing and that I ask too many questions and then I go home to find out that I packed a granola bar in a lunch and they don't like granola bars...

::sigh::

but you're right about what God's gonna tell ya... becasue that's what he tells me... if only I would LISTEN!!!

hang in there!

O Mom said...

I so needed this.I KNOW all this too, yet somedays I just think I can't keep going on the way things are going......And then His gentle reminder that He is going through it all right there with me makes me just keep going only with my eyes looking FORWARD to wait and see what it is He is going to do!
I can't imagine you being anything less than an amazing employee, so hang in there! ok?! :)

Irritable Mother said...

Leslie - Six months? OK. *sigh*
I'm leaning hard!

Pat - Thanks for always encouraging me!

Gianna - Yes, and He always listens. He understands. He cares. He holds me.
Gee, I guess I have a lot going for me!

Heather - I'm going to listen!!! Thanks. *grin*

O Mom - His gentle reminders. Yes. I need to quiet my chaotic heart so I can hear them.
I'm thankful He's so patient!

Daveda said...

OH! I can so relate to where you're at right now. I get it! Really!

Isn't it wonderful though, that when these feelings of "not being enough" rise to the surface Jesus is right there saying "you are hidden in me, and I am enough."

God says that we will prosper at all we put our hand to, he says that he will give us favor where he has placed us.

More than likely the people you work for are glad your asking questions, it shows them that you want to learn. I would also bet that God has given you favor with them, you just may not be aware of it yet.

After all, why would they not be happy to have you, YOUR AWESOME! The Father says so!!

Have a great day, my friend! I am so happy that I am back and reading your blog again!

km said...

I so remember the days when there was more to do than there was of me. Wait, that's not right...there still is. I wasn't holding it all together well before I started the job, but then I started working 25hrs/wk. I worked late...often from 5pm to 10or11pm. I woke up at 6 with the kids...I was exhausted. But...here's a good But...God carried me through each day and He will carry you too. HE never gives us more than we can handle...isn't that great. And...I'm always impressed with how much HE thinks I can handle. He estimates much higher than I would.;0) I'm so glad you can have some quiet time today to reflect.

Patricia/NYC said...

Oh Karen, I've been there too & it's not fun...HANG IN THERE!!! Give yourself some time to adjust & don't be so hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know!)

BABY STEPS & DEEP BREATHS!! You know HE will provide for you!! You are such a wonderful person & a great motivator...that pharmacy is lucky to have YOU on their team!!

You know, recently I was having a rough time myself & spoke with the pastor at my church...you know what he said to me? He told me that Jesus knows & loves me FOR WHO I AM!!!! That little sentence has carried me in such a BIG way!!
So, don't get down on yourself, my friend...it might be a little rough right now, but you will get to the other side of it!!

Love you, girl!
HUGS...
Patricia

Irritable Mother said...

Daveda - I'm so happy you're back, too! Thank you for these encouraging words today.
I know I am not enough on my own, BUT with Him...Yes. Jesus breaks me and makes me enough!

KM - I am frequently certain God has given me more than I can handle. BUT, I know it isn't more than HE can handle.
Ah, and the quiet time today was wonderful. I have a feeling some of it will be showing up in a post next week!

Patricia - Thank you. Ya know, some day I would really like to find my way back to NYC and get some o' those hugs for real!
I'm breathing deeply and taking baby steps. *grin*

Angie Muresan said...

If you have God on your side, who or what can be against you? That is how my mother used to console me when I was feeling overwhelmed. It brought me so much confidence, and so much assurance that I would be okay. And I was.

Irritable Mother said...

Angie - That's right. God is on my side, so I need not fear!

Chris said...

Starting a new job is definitely difficult. It's been quite a while for me (unless you count my job and mom and homeschooling, where I'm always still learning!) but I remember how draining the first week of a new job is; so much to take in. so much to learn. But you'll be a pro in no time! Hang in there!

Edie said...

I so understand those feelings of being overwhelmed. You will do just fine Karen and I have no doubt that you will be a blessing to many.

Irritable Mother said...

Chris - I count them!
I do have much to learn, but I'll get there.

Edie - Thank you.