I found a treasure. Hidden away on a bookshelf, in a folder I'd long forgotten existed.Inside the folder were notes from a few leaders of moms' groups for whom I have spoken, materials from a couple retreats, and papers my mentor gave to me years ago.And then, there was this gem: A "journal" entry on two pieces of loose-leaf notebook paper with the date 2/26 written in the margin. Further investigation helped me determine the year was 2005. And some additional processing made me realize I wrote this the day God cemented in my heart a call to share my story with moms. This is what I wrote:
I'm home, Lord. An evening and a day with a hundred other women, spent hearing from You. And it was good. Thank You.And yet being home for only a few minutes, I am overcome with requests for help with this and that. Can I have hot chocolate? Will you hang my coat up? Will you untie my shoes? I come upstairs for space to unwind and think through what You've spoken at the retreat and I find that the hallway and my room are a mess. I have just spent the day, peaceful, hearing from You, and suddenly I feel deflated.What is it that makes me feel this way? I was in an environment where I could rest in You. Here at home I am compelled to be a do-er. But You are just as present here as You were at the retreat. You have not changed, only my location is different. Please help me, Lord, to rest, to be, in You even when there are clothes in the laundry basket that need to be put away, when Matthew has wet his pants again(!), when there is melted snow on the kitchen floor. When the kids are yelling and fighting and making a mess in the bathroom, please help me to rest in You.I need to know, Lord, what am I to do? I need wisdom from You. When Matthew makes a mess, do I smile and clean it up? Do I make him do it? Do I battle over it with him? What, Lord? How am I to do it? What does it look like for me to seek You in times like this? To pray for him ~ To be aware of You ~ To forget about me?Lord, thank You for the glimpses of hope You give to me. Like Joshua's caring heart as he brought me my "favorite" toast. He is a lover. Please help me to keep sight of that part of him, especially when I am becoming angry with him.Oy! All this and I haven't even gotten to the "processing" I wanted to do: My purpose.Is it this mother/transformation to holiness thing that You want me to share? Is this station in life, where my heart has been broken and through which You are leading me, the intersection of our hearts? If it is, Lord, please show me.I want to be faithful and Your mouthpiece - a messenger of hope and life. Where You lead, I will follow.Please show me the way.I read those words and weep for the brokenness I know is behind them. I remember the pain so clearly. The frustration. The feelings of being lost.But now that I am on the other side of those words - now that I have the benefit of hind-sight, I also weep for joy at the faithfulness of God. I marvel at what HE has done. And I rejoice.On February 26, 2005 I never would have imagined what God would do over the next eleven years in my heart and life, in my children, and through me - in ministry. I had no idea. But HE saw it all.God's faithfulness in the past is why I am trusting Him with my future - with all the un-seens of parenting and speaking and every other part of life. And His faithfulness is why my prayer remains:Lord, please show me. I want to be faithful and Your mouthpiece - a messenger of hope and life. Where You lead, I will follow. Please show me the way.