HE Knew. HE Knows.

"I'm going to rest, and wait for God to lead."

Wow.
I had no idea what was in store when I wrote that statement two weeks ago.
That is, I rested. I did rest.
And it was good.
I spent time in the Word.
I spent time doing fun and frivilous stuff. (Might have become addicted to a new word game... *ahem*)
I just spent time being. Not concerned about "doing". And it was good.
Very good.
And although my mind was completely unprepared for how this two-week rest would come to an end, I absolutely believe God used the time to ready my heart.

Last Wednesday evening Josh brought Mindy over to the house, very concerned about a sudden change in her behavior. She had vomited and was extremely lethargic. She didn't even wag her tail in expectancy of being petted when somebody entered the room, let alone get up to greet newcomers at the door. Something was definitely wrong, so Josh planned to contact the vet in the morning.
Thursday morning found the two of them at the MSU Vet Clinic (Our vet told him to go there right away.) and after probing, an ultrasound, and needles it was determined that Mindy had a growth in her abdomen which had begun to produce internal bleeding. Most likely cancer.
The surgery for thousands of dollars with a prognosis of "may extend life a few weeks to a few months" was not an option. So Josh brought Mindy back to his apartment to spend time with her - after an infusion of fluids, anti-nausea medication, and pain medication.
Matthew went over between classes to see her.
And I joined them when I got off work. Walked into Josh's bedroom to find Mindy on his mattress, and the two boys hoovering over her in tears as they anticipated what was to come.
My own tears quickly followed.
Brian left work early Thursday afternoon and came over, too. Then the three of us (Brian, Josh, and me.) sat beside Mindy petting her and loving her as her abdomen continued to fill with blood. Much too quickly, her breathing became labored (Because her lungs didn't have enough room to fully function anymore, due to the collection of blood in her abdomen.) and we knew it was time to go back to the clinic.
Oh, how hard that was to do!
Every move was a huge effort.
Picking her up off the mattress.
Leaving the apartment.
Getting into the van.
And ESPECIALLY getting out of the van once we arrived at the clinic.
Because every step brought us closer to the decision to which nobody wanted to give voice.
"Yes. It's time. We're going to do it."
We all knew it was the best thing. Allowing Mindy to keep going was only going to allow us to not make the hard choice. She wasn't going to get better or feel better, only worse. And so, after much grace and patience on the part of the MSU Vet Clinic staff, we sat outside - Mindy on Josh's lap - and said good-bye to our dear little dog.

I still know we made the right decision. To free Mindy from her suffering was the most humane thing we could do. But the same pain which caused the majority of my tears that day still gets them to flow even as I type these words and re-live the memory. That is, the suffering of my beloved son who lost his cherished pup too quickly. I can't even put into words the way it felt to watch his heart breaking and his world come crashing in - as the inevitable became reality.
My 21-year-old man-child became a toddler again in my eyes and I just wanted to gather him up in my arms and kiss him and promise him the owie would go away soon.
But I couldn't.
Because this kind of owie can't be healed by a mommy's kiss.
So I pretty much just stayed by his side, rubbed his back on occasion, and prayed. Prayed that the Spirit of God would comfort and heal him, and do all the things I only wished I was able to do.
And that's where I see God has been preparing me over the past two weeks as I have been resting.
HE has been leading me to rest in Him. To be.
To not be concerned about doing.
And I think that is what Josh needed more than anything else on Thursday. There was nothing I could do or say which would make the events of the day less painful. But as Brian and I were leaving his apartment Thursday night after we'd taken him home, he said to us, "Thanks for being with me today." (And I literally just remembered his statement as I was coming to this point of writing this post.)
Indeed. God knew what we were going to be facing this week, and HE prepared me for it perfectly.
How comforting it is to me to realize HE knows what's still to come - and to have confidence that I can trust Him every step of the way.