Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Time Travel Tuesday ~ Blogging beginning edition

It's Tuesday, and you know what that means, don't you? Annie is taking us on an adventure. This week, we're sharing our first blog post and telling why we got started blogging.

I joined the blogosphere last September, just after I sent my book to the printer. My bookcoach had told me having a blog would be a good way for me to get the *word out* about my book. Because Christine suggested it, I decided to start a blog but I had no idea I would enjoy blogging so much. I love it for the sake of writing and having an outlet to express my feelings, and for the many bloggy friends I've made. I love you all! Anyway, since beginning my blog I have been encouraged to know God is using - not just the book - but this blog as well, to bring hope to overwhelmed moms.
I still remember the very beginning. I had a rough night with the kids and when it was finally "over" I thought, This night would be a good experience to write about in a blog. So I e-mailed the woman who was creating my website and asked her how quickly she could set up a blog for me. It didn't take her long. And this is what I wrote:

Last night was a terrible night!

I’ve been feeling edgy and irritable for the past few days, with the kids being crazy, disobedient, disrespectful, and generally out of control. Maybe their behavior wasn’t as bad as I was perceiving it…I don’t know, but it hasn’t been good - For sure!

Anyway, last night my husband was gone and the kids were giving me trouble before dinner. Joshua and Elizabeth were fighting in the kitchen and I went in to break things up. Matthew came in and started scrapping too and I reacted without thinking and slapped his hand – which sent him upstairs crying. I followed him up, my own tears flowing as I apologized, told him I was wrong and asked for his forgiveness. I kneeled by his bed as he lay under his covers repeating, “Matthew, I am so sorry. I shouldn’t have slapped you. Please forgive me.” Oh, I hate when I react out of anger!

Wanting to get in the habit of reading nightly, I told Joshua he needed to read me a short story, but he insisted otherwise. When I told him it was going to happen regardless, he “ran away.” (Which always amounts to riding his bike around the block.) We argued during dinner – Matthew didn’t like the chicken, Joshua was still stewing about my requirement that he read – and after dinner we argued more and Joshua “ran away” again.

I was trying to understand, trying to believe that God is refining me, but I just couldn’t see. I ran up to my room crying, closed my door and fell to my knees by my bed as I sobbed, “I don’t see the point, God! I don’t understand! Why does this have to be so hard? I don’t see the point!!!!!”

I felt utterly broken. I hated myself for lashing out at the kids. I didn’t want to lose my composure in front of them and have them see me crying. I was disappointed in myself for not being completely pliable and flowing into God’s will for me. My greatest desire is to please Him, but I was confident I wasn’t presently pleasing.

God has shown me before, and I believe it’s true, He is using my children and my struggles as a mother to make me into the woman He wants me to be. Yet, last night I just couldn’t see it. I tried to remind myself of what is true – God is good. Always. His ways are perfect. All of them. But in the middle of my fire (and it was HOT) I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t embrace it. Lord, forgive me!

Yet, He is not only my Refiner. He is also my Redeemer. In spite of a few more outbursts by Joshua, he eventually calmed down (as did I), and was even helpful in getting ready for bed. We gathered in the boys’ room to pray and I prayed for each of my kids individually, specifically thanking God for the things I love most about each one. I sang to each of them and truly loved them. All the while I was mindful of God’s redeeming power – how He transformed the night from what it had been into a loving, peaceful time.

I still can’t say I understand the point of these intensely hard times. But I know without a doubt God is good, His ways are perfect, and nothing will change those facts.

Thank You, Lord, for hope that never ends, for grace that knows no bounds, and for love that never fails!

So there's my first post, and the story behind Surviving Motherhood. Thanks for visiting, and to get the history on some other blogs, visit Annie to find more Time Travel Tuesday participants.

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annie said...

1st-I love your ideas. I had thought about a couple of those too!

I actually remember finding your blog through a comment you wrote on CoachJ's blog after she gave one of your blog favorites a blogger thinkers award. I liked you from the start and find your writing engaging and honest. I wish I could say I have finished your book, I have not. I hope that when this end of school chaos ends I can spend some time reading. I know I will love it!

You're a blessing Karen!


Joyful Days said...

I am sure that I could have written a twin to that post more than once. With the exception of me losing my composure in front of them often.

It is amazing how praying as a family helps. It is neat to hear about other families doing so too. Although, I think mine would just prefer for me NOT to sing. :o)

Will be checking out your book.

CoachJ said...

I love your honesty. And I love you. God is definitely using you to speak to the rest of us. I want so badly to hear you speak and sing, and hope that God will allow that someday. soon.

kim said...

I really appreciate your honesty and candor. Looking back on who I was as a mother 23 years ago (when I started the motherhood journey ) to who I am today as a mother I can so see some of the refining that the Lord has done on me-unfortunately there is still a long way to go! :) Thanks for sharing--

JennaG said...

Thanks so much for posting--I enjoyed reading about the origins of your blog.

Sheryl said...

Thank you for re-sharing your first post. I loved the line "He is not only my Refiner, but He is also my Redeemer", really ministered to me. Sometimes, we need to hear what we already know, repeated :)

Ann Kroeker said...

Your first post is far more interesting than my first post. I think mine fell more into the "Well, here I am doing this blogging thing, whatever that is. Don't know what to say, really. Guess it'll evolve." Something like that. I guess I should Time Travel and revisit my first blogging words. I have to click back to my website, where I first blogged (not even using a proper blogging platform).