I Don't Really Want to Trust God

OK, confession time.

I don't really want to trust God.

All this time, I thought I did. But recently I realized quite the opposite is true.
I was thinking about some struggles I'm facing and was praying as I wrote in my journal. I wrote, LORD, I really want to trust You, but... and I was about to write "I just wish I could see how this was going to work out."

As I thought about what I was saying to God, it hit me: I don't really want to trust God.
What I really want is to see and be sure of the outcome.
What I really want is for all uncertainty to be removed, so I can carry on in my life without concern for how my circumstances are going to be resolved.
I want to be able to read the end of my story ahead of time.
At the same time, I want to be able to say I'm trusting God.

In my moment of admitting to myself what was really true, God showed me the reality of what it means to trust Him: If I could see how my circumstance was going to work out, I wouldn't need to trust Him. If I knew the when, why, and wherefore, there would be no room for trust. I would have no need of faith. I could be secure in my own knowledge.
And I began to realize how lonely that would be.
*Just me, relying on myself and my knowledge.
*No need to seek my Father for guidance or insight or comfort - because I would know it all.
*I would have no reason to cling to Him, as I do now.
*I could just go along my merry way, knowing exactly what to do and expect. No surprises. No uncertainties. No need for faith.

Oh, I love that God knows my heart, my thoughts, and my every need.
I love that HE knows just how to reach me.
Because after the time we spent while God spoke to me about what it means to trust Him - and what it would mean to know it all myself - I realized, I actually do want to trust Him. I need Him, and I want to keep needing Him. I don't want to be self-sufficient, an island unto myself. I have a Father in heaven who is writing my story, who knows what He's doing, and who is completely trustworthy. And, with everything I am, I want to continue holding His hand as HE leads me through this life.

How about you, friend? Are you struggling to trust Him? How can I pray for you?