*Pause*

Have I told you lately that my girl is growing up?
We went to the bank Saturday so she could open a checking account. One more step...
Graduation is less than three weeks away. And her open house will be the day before. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put a pause on my blog posting for a while. At least until after commencement. My sanity requires it. *ahem*

In the meantime, feel free to peruse my archives. They contain over 1600 posts. That ought to be enough reading/viewing material to fill your thoughts, don't you think? *wink*
To the right you can find links to various mom-related posts, as well as some regarding my depression journey. And I'll label this post with some of my other favorites. Just click on the label to find posts related to that topic.
I pray God will encourage and inspire, though the words may be old.

May the peace of Christ rest upon you today. And every day!

Unashamed: Re-Post

Originally posted March 4, 2010.

God used my dog to teach me a wonderful lesson recently. I don't mean the one about my comfort doesn't really matter.
This one was even better.

I walked into the kitchen and said Hello to Mindy. She looked up at me, wagged her tail and immediately flopped onto the floor - on her back, belly up, paws limp, tail wagging, waiting expectantly.
And do you know what I did?

I walked right over to her and started rubbing her tummy, telling her how much I love her.
I mean, what else was I to do? It was clear that she wanted me to love on her. How else should I have responded? Yes, maybe I had laundry to fold, or carrots to cut, or blogs to read. But Mindy was laying there totally vulnerable and unashamed, just waiting for me to love her.
And it was truly a delight for me to give her the attention she craved.

As I knealt there petting my dog, noticing how freely she received my love, something occurred to me. I mused, I think God would like for me to approach Him in much the same way my dog has approached me today.
I realized, I really don't need this dog. Rather, she needs me. She is completely dependent on me to take care of her. She needs me (or one of the kids!) to feed her and give her water. When she needs to go outside, she gets my attention and I let her out. I give Mindy her heartworm pills and take her to the vet for check-ups. I take her on walks (Or, I did until I got this stress-fracture in my foot. Did I tell you about that?) and I even trim her nails.
Yeah, I pretty much do everything for that dog.

Just like God does everything for me.

And as she laid on the floor, basking my love - unashamed and joyful to receive it - I realized something else. In this act of enjoying my love, my dog was doing something for me. She was delighting me heart!

It truly brought me joy to see my dog enjoying my love.

And that's why I think God wants me to come to Him the same way.
Realizing I am completely dependent on Him - for everything - yet totally unashamed to freely receive His love. As I sit in His presence, fully enjoying the love He lavishes on me, I believe I will delight His heart.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go soak in my Father's love. I hope you'll do the same!

There is No Formula: Re-post

Originally posted November 17, 2010.

Through a series of recent conversations and email exchanges, I have come to understand something about myself. I have realized why I liked math when I was in school.
Because in math, there is a certainty and a formula for everything.
Two plus two is always four. Always!
You can always figure out the area of a surface by multiplying the base and the height.
And if you know the value of x, you can always figure out the value of y. Just plug it into the formula and work it out!
Math is so predictable, and if you just understand the formula - you can make it through anything!

I like formulas.
Predictability and certainty make me happy.
I feel comfortable knowing if I just do 'this', 'that' will happen.
It's the control freak in me!

And what I have realized recently is that I am longing for a parenting formula. I want raising my children to be just as certain and just as predictable as Algebra and Geometry. I want the assurance that if I limit computer time to X minutes per day, require Y showers each week, assign Z chores every day, and read the Bible and pray with them every night, my children are going to become God-loving, God-fearing, servant-hearted, other-centered, highly-motivated, self-controlled adults.
But do you know what that line of thinking made me realize?
What I'm really saying is I want control. I don't want to leave room for faith. I want to trust my actions, rather than God's sovereignty.
*Gulp* Am I stepping on any toes?

I think you know the conclusion, don't you?

There is no formula.

I will impose limits for the good of my children. I will look after their cleanliness and well-being. I will train them in responsibility. I will teach them about God.
But the end result is in HIS hands.
There is no formula. God is in control. Our job is to be faithful.
Amen?
*************************************************
I may have plugged this before, but I'll do it again. There was a wonderful article in the January 2010 issue of Christianity Today, called The Myth of the Perfect Parent. It really helped me in my thinking on this subject. I think you'll like it!

STOP in the Name of Love

Lessons From the Edge

It's OK to not be "enough".

My boss is hiring a full-time "Life Engagement Director". And I am really excited about it. Because I will no longer be all alone in my job. I won't have to plan, prepare, set up, and execute everything by myself. We'll be able to do more, enjoy more, live more. It's going to be wonderful!
The owner of Vista Springs wants everything to be "Full of Life", and that means - everything. And no matter how hard I try, I can't do it all on my part-time schedule. And my family and I can't afford to have me working outside the home full-time.
Quite honestly, there just isn't enough of me for all of it.
So, they're adding a full-time person to the staff, and I can't wait.

However, this week I overheard some interviews and found myself feeling down.
Things like, "It's better when two people are working together," and, "How would you make this calendar 'Full of Life'?" got me thinking things like, I do a good job here. And, People like the activities I plan. And, What's wrong with me?
Suddenly I felt like I needed to defend myself. Like I had to justify the fact that there isn't enough of me to do this great big job they want done. And then God's Spirit whispered to my heart, You aren't enough, dear. You need help to do this work. And that's OK.
Then I remembered how relieved I was when I found out this person was going to be hired. I reminded myself how much these men and women I love will benefit by having another person to love and serve them. Thoughts of fuller life and lesser burdens brought me peace. And I found myself agreeing with Him.

It's OK to not be "enough".

In what area of your life do you need this reassurance today?

Disclaimer: The ideas and opinions expressed in this post are my own, and may not necessarily reflect those of Vista Springs Living Centers.

Declaration of Independence

It's May Day!

But for me, it's more like, "Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!"

Because I need help. Help accepting reality, that is.

My baby girl is an adult now. She's 18, and there's nothing I can do to change that fact.
She will graduate from high school one month from today.
She's all signed up for college and will be heading to Wheaton in August.
AND, the other night she came to Brian and I with a declaration of independence.
In Elizabeth's sweet and sensitive nature she said, "I need your help. Most of the times when I have an opinion, it's because you two have told me what you think, and I choose to think the same. And I know I need to think on my own now. I also need to do more things on my own. Even though I'm not very good at it, and I don't like to. I need your help to get me to do things on my own."
(OK, that's what she said, roughly.)
She followed up with some sort of statement about not wanting to hurt our feelings by saying these things. And I thought, Oh, sweetheart. Those words do hurt. But that's OK. You're growing up, and you are becoming independent. All of it is good and right. But it does hurt a little.

So, I guess now we sign the document and face the fact that our little girl is, well, not so little anymore.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

Seeking One Thing

The one thing I ask of the LORD -
the thing I seek most -
is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
delighting in the LORD's perfections
and meditating in his Temple.

Psalm 27:4

I am memorizing Psalm 27 with two of my friends, and we are currently working on verse 4.
I love this psalm, and particularly - this verse. It paints such a beautiful picture of the heart of a person who truly seeks the LORD. Wanting nothing more than to just be with HIM. *Ahhhhh*

But a funny thing happened to me when I started memorizing this verse.
It's kind of a long verse, so I decided to memorize it in two parts. For the first couple of days I was rehearsing, The one thing I ask of the LORD- the thing I seek most-.
Repeating those words over and over made me wonder: What is the "one thing" I seek most?
Well, there's peace in the midst of my chaos, wisdom for raising my children, grace to deal with difficult people in my life, courage to do the right thing, and various needs for several people who are on my heart.
Yeah, that's a lot more than "one thing".
But it's a pretty good representation of the thing(s) I seek most.
Annnnnd, before I go any further~
Let me just say this: I am more than confident that God loves to meet our needs. HE created us. We are HIS. And I believe it delights God's heart when we acknowledge our dependence on Him by asking Him to supply everything we need to make it through our days.
However, when I started memorizing the second part of verse 4 my heart came under conviction. Because I saw a vast difference between the psalmist's "one thing" and mine. The psalmist wasn't looking at his circumstances for his "one thing". Rather, he was looking at the LORD. And I have to believe focusing on the LORD had a beautiful impact on his heart. Oh, to want nothing more in life than to live in the house of the LORD, to delight in His perfections, and meditate in His Temple.
And so, in the midst of learning Psalm 27:4, I am also asking God to continue the transformation of my heart and my desires. Because I want to be able to say with the psalmist, The one thing I ask of the LORD - the thing I seek most - is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD's perfections and meditating in his Temple.

Grace for Failure Moms

I received an email over the weekend from a mother of young children who is at her wits' end with all the things she needs to do. And as I was typing out my response to her I thought, "OK. This needs to be a blog post."
Because I believe the thing with which she is struggling is common to all women. Which one of us, if we are being honest, can say we are unable to relate to this statement I read in her email?

I am so overwhelmed and overworked. Some days I just want to cry. I can't do it all, and it is so hard when I can never catch up.

My kids were once 5, 3, and 1 - like hers are now - and I certainly remember having those feelings. And now that my children are 18, 16, and (almost)14? I still have those feelings!
But there is a difference now - even though I still get overwhelmed. And that difference is, I no longer feel like a failure for not being able to "do it all". I no longer feel like a failure because my kids, my home, and my self are not perfect.
The thing which brought me to this point is simple - even while being very hard for me to grasp.
It is GRACE.
*It is the realization that my kids, my home, and my self do not need to be perfect.
*It is the understanding that my Father is using these hard times I'm experiencing to create a beautiful me.
*It is the conviction that my identity and my self-worth are not dependent upon my ability to "do all things".
*It is the confidence that God will faithfully see me through every trial, every disappointment, every time I fall.
It doesn't make much sense to my logical, methodical way of thinking. But in God's economy, it is perfectly reasonable. HE imparts grace to me - to us - so "failure" may be taken completely out of our vocabulary.

Fellow mom, are you nodding your head in understanding of this need for grace?
Do you spend more time beating yourself up for your failures than you do believing that your kids are going to turn out just fine?
If so, please accept my invitation to explore grace today. I told you what grace means to me. What does it look like for you? Spend some time asking God to draw you a picture of grace.
I pray HE will give you the courage to believe and embrace it!

When There is No Hope

Lessons From the Edge

Kids remember what moms say.

One of our favorite games to play at Edgewood is "Hangman".
You know the game, right?
*First you draw steps and a pole with a noose.
*Then you decide on a word or phrase to be guessed, and draw the appropriate dashes and spaces for each letter.
*And then you invite people to guess letters which might be in the puzzle - and you fill in the dashes with the correct letters as they're guessed. And, the incorrect guesses turn into body parts drawn into the noose, with a goal of solving the puzzle before "hanging" the man.
Wow, that sounds really morbid when you write it out. *wink*
Anyway, there is a significant group of folks who love playing that game with me at Edgewood. And I love finding words and phrases which will get them thinking.
I use lots of nursery rhyme titles - which always ends in us reciting the ditties, spending a little time "remembering when".
But my favorite Hangman category has to be "Adages". Except this week, we re-named that category. Now I'm calling it, "Things Your Mother Probably Used to Say".

Because...

When I was picking this week's puzzles, T was in the activity room talking with me. She asked about the categories for Hangman this week and I told her I was choosing nursery rhymes and adages. T told me how much she loves the adages, because they remind her of her mom. Seems T's mom often spoke those wise sayings to her daughter.
"A man is known by the company he keeps," T recited. And, "Haste makes waste."
I enjoyed the smile in T's eyes as she remembered moments with her mother.
And after just about every adage puzzle was solved on Wednesday, I heard T saying, "My mom always used to say that!"
So there you go, mom-friend. Keep speaking words of Truth and wisdom to your children.
Day after day after day.
Kids remember what moms say.

Disclaimer: The ideas and opinions expressed in this post are my own, and may not necessarily reflect those of Vista Springs Living Centers.

Remember When

Brian and I and the boys sat around the table for quite a while after dinner Tuesday evening.
It all started with Joshua asking something like, "When we were little kids, did you ever just want to throw us away?" I'm not sure where that question came from, but it led to Brian and I confessing to moments of extreme frustration as parents of very little ones. And the acknowledgement that we've made it through.
Then we turned the tables on the boys and asked, "Is there anything you want to confess?"
In the conversation which followed, we learned that they had turned a hose on our neighbor and soaked her - because they thought she was mean.
Matthew admitted to jumping off his bike and letting it tumble to the side every time he approached a corner - because he didn't know how to stop.
And they really knew they were being too reckless with a particular game they played, but they enjoyed it so much it was worth the risk.

We continued our "Remember When" conversation by talking about how the kids used to fight over who got to sit on Mom and Dad's laps after dinner. Oh, I remember wanting to just get up from the table on those evenings and carry on with dishes, bedtime routines, etc. Now, I'm cherishing the memories.
We laughed as we recalled the kids' fascination with Pokemon cards, and how they "tricked" their teachers by saying they had to use the bathroom - when really they were meeting a friend in the restroom to trade cards. And I remembered thinking those cards were such a waste of money. Didn't realize then what a fond memory they would be years later.
And the ramp outside our old house. We remembered when the kids would ride a little red scooter down that ramp over and over again. I could almost hear the thump, thump, thump, thump, thump of the wheels rolling over the boards. Oh, was it ever noisy. Especially when coupled with the squeals of delight coming from the kids as they raced down that ramp. I remembered how frequently I wondered if the noise bothered our neighbors. I worried about the kids scuffing up their toes and knees. And I thought maybe I should put an end to the ramp-riding game.
Then it occurred to me, none of the neighbors ever complained about the noise. There was one incident of a severely scuffed toe, but it healed. And, honestly, at this moment I can't even remember which kid's toe it was! I'm so glad I didn't make them stop the fun they were having.

Moms of older kids, I know you understand where my heart is right now. Looking back on days gone by, and cherishing the memories.
And moms of still-little-ones, I promise you this: Although the days are long, and I know they're hard, you will make it through. I'm not gonna lie and say, "There'll come a time when you'll miss these days!" Cuz I remember - and there are lots of those days I am not missing.
But there are countless moments to treasure.
Enjoy every one of them!

Tired of Reverting

My computer seems to be having "issues".

Every time I turn it on it goes through the same cycle:
Configuring Windows updates. Do not turn off your computer.
Followed by...
Failure to configure updates. Reverting changes.

Every.time.

And I'm entirely too cheap to take it somewhere to be "fixed".
Er, and maybe too lazy busy.
Yeah. That's it!
Anyway, my computer keeps reverting changes because it can't seem to understand the updates. And every time I look at that message on my screen I think about Romans 12:2.

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

And I wonder, Am I being transformed, or am I reverting changes? With everything in me, I want to be transformed. I want to think like God, and love like God, and live in a way which honors and reflects Him. But some days I feel like I'm having issues. And I'm afraid that if there were a screen attached to me it would say, "Failure to configure updates. Reverting changes."

Am I alone in this battle?

Gracious Father, thank you for Your patience with me. With all of us! Please give us grace today to understand the updates You want to make in our hearts and minds. Please strengthen our resolve to obey Your will for us, so we don't have to keep 'reverting changes'.

HE is Enough

Lessons From the Edge

Sometimes, "little" things aren't.

I have many, many opportunities at Edgewood to do - or see others doing - "little" things:
*opening a door
*sharing a smile
*pulling out a chair
*speaking a kind word
*checking the mail
*rubbing a shoulder
The list goes on and on. Lots of little things which seem rather insignificant.
Until, you see the other side.

This week I was talking to my grandmother and she told me about one of the aides who comes to care for her. Grandma mentioned the things this woman does - which are all part of her job - and said how much she appreciates her help. Then a certain sparkle appeared in her eyes when she said, "AND, she stays a few minutes longer to talk to me."
That's when I realized the sparkle actually came from the tears welling up in Grandma's eyes. And I could see how very deeply it touched her that someone stuck around for a few minutes just to spend time with her. In a world of people rushing around to get this and that done, someone took time to notice my grandma, and it meant so much to her.
Grandma's aide probably thought she was doing a little thing. But that isn't the way my grandmother saw it. To her, that little thing was HUGE.

As you go through your day today - and tomorrow - and all the rest of the days of your life - may I encourage you to do the "little" things? You just never know what a difference you may be making in the world.

Sometimes, "little" things aren't.

Disclaimer: The ideas and opinions expressed in this post are my own, and may not necessarily reflect those of Vista Springs Living Centers.

And That Means...

So, I have an enemy.

AND, I have a Savior.

The battles in my life are between them - the spiritual forces (See Ephesians 6:12).
That understanding has been crucial for me.
Because, for a very long time, I believed my battle was with people.
*read that: my kids, my husband, and even myself*
In fact, I believed I was battling them.
And I was always coming out the loser. Because I was believing all those lies my real enemy was telling me. "You're a failure." "You're a terrible mom." "You aren't worthy of anyone's love."
Have you been believing likes like those, too?
That time in my life - when I saw people as my enemies - had me defeated and hopeless. I knew I couldn't defeat my enemies. I loved them. I would never want to harm them!
So I was stuck in my struggle, hating my circumstance but feeling like there was nothing I could do about it.
Oh, what relief I experienced when my Savior came through for me and helped me see the Truth:
I have one enemy: Satan.
I have one Savior: JESUS.
Jesus defeated my enemy when He died on the cross - conquering sin and death; and He continues to defeat my enemy every day when I let Him fight my battles.
And that means...my children, my husband, my self, and all other flesh-and-blood-beings on the planet are NOT my enemy.
Thank You, Jesus. Thank You, thank You, Jesus!

Have you been believing you are battling against flesh and blood? Have you been viewing people as your enemy? Read Ephesians 6:12 a few times, and ask God to help you understand what is True. Then, put on your battle gear and let your Savior fight for you!

I Have a SAVIOR

It's true. I have an enemy.

And he wants to ruin me.

BUT there is a Truth which is even bigger. And it makes me a victor.
That is...

I have a SAVIOR.
My enemy does not have the last word, because my Savior has defeated him.
When my enemy tells me I'm a terrible mom, my Savior points to the cross - where He paid the price for every single one of my sins, faults, and failures.
When my enemy plants doubts in my heart about my marriage, my Savior reminds me of the Truth and gives me grace to keep on going.
When my enemy hisses in my ear about my insecurities, my Savior stretches out His arms and speaks to my heart, Remember, Karen, I love you so much I was willing to die for you.

Being honest: Sometimes I fall under the lies and pressure of my enemy. Sometimes I start to think he's telling the truth - and that I really have no hope.
But always, always my Savior reveals the Truth to me. In one way, or another, He helps me recognize my enemy's tactics. My Savior reminds me that I am a victor in Him, and I don't have to be a victim of my enemy. He stirs my heart to fight my battle by the power of His Spirit, and - with a little heavenly feisty-ness - I begin to arm myself. (See Ephesians 6:10-20.)
With Truth, His righteousness, faith, peace, salvation, and a whole lot of prayer I am able to stand in the face of my enemy. By the power of my Savior's Spirit.
And that?
That changes everything!

I Have an Enemy

Someone hates me.

He is my enemy.

He wants to ruin my life. Wishes to do anything he can to make me miserable. To trip me up and make me fall. So he can watch me squirm, helpless and hopeless.

My enemy wants me to despise motherhood.
He wants me to get frustrated and discouraged, so I throw my hands up in the air and just give up. He sets me up to hear lies, lies, and more lies.
Like, "You're a terrible mother."
"Your kids deserve so much more than you can give. You're a failure."
"You will never be able to control your temper or your tongue. So you might as well quit trying."
And he loves it when I start believing what I hear.

My enemy wants to destroy my marriage.
He wants to drive a wedge between Brian and me. Perhaps he'll plant doubts in my mind so I start to think I can't trust my husband. Sometimes he tries getting me so preoccupied with work and kids and running-the-home that I'm flat out too exhausted to spend quality time with Brian. I know my enemy knows there is great power for the kingdom of God in a healthy marriage, and he doesn't want that threat coming from Brian and me. So he'll do whatever he can to crush us.

My enemy wants to sabotage my Christian witness, too.
He wants me to defame the Name of God. Nothing would please him more than for me to stop trusting God. To get frustrated with the wait, or the struggle, or the uncertainty - and just turn my back on Him. And even to believe the lie that God doesn't really love me. That He could never love a failure like me.

That's what my enemy wants me to think.

Yes. I have an enemy. But that isn't the end of my story.

I also have a Savior.
And, because of Him, I can be victorious.
Because of Him, I have hope. Even in the face of my enemy.

Sweet Jesus

Lessons From the Edge

There is no such thing as "coincidence".

Most days when I'm praying in the morning, I ask God for a very specific thing. I say to Him, LORD, please order my steps today.
I ask Him to do this because I'm forgetful, and I need Him to cover for me.
I ask him to do it because I get stressed when there are "too many" things to do, and I need Him to make sure I get the necessary things done.
I ask Him to order my steps because I know His plans are so much better than mine.
I ask because I want to be where HE wants me to be.

And can I just say? God was so obvious in the ways He ordered my steps this week.
When I forgot something and had to go back to my desk to retrieve it - and on the way back to where I was going, I encountered someone who needed assistance - I knew God was ordering my steps.
When the lesson "I" chose for Bible study spoke so directly to the hearts of those who were present - I knew God was ordering my steps.
When I got held up in one activity, only to encounter a needy someone - whom I would've missed if I'd been on time - I knew God was ordering my steps.

Since praying this prayer, and seeing the ways God orchestrates my days, I have become absolutely convinced - with God, there is no such thing as "coincidence".

Disclaimer: The ideas and opinions expressed in this post are my own, and may not necessarily reflect those of Vista Springs Living Centers.

There's No Denying it Now. Er, Tomorrow

As if the grey, curly hair wasn't enough, as of tomorrow I will definitely not be able to deny the fact that I am getting old(er).

As of tomorrow, I will have an adult child.
That is, Elizabeth is turning 18.
Which makes her a legal adult.
Which makes me feel old.
Annnnd, this sweet daughter of mine has reached another major milestone. She has decided where she wants to spend the next four years of her life.
Come this fall, my girl will be leaving us to attend Wheaton College.
Yes, Wheaton.
As in, just west of Chicago.
As in, that's a very long drive. And I'm sure going to miss her!
But her college decision has been much prayed over, and I feel very good about her choice. All through this process we have been asking God to show us where He would have her go. We've been asking Him to prepare the way. Because there is NO WAY we could get Elizabeth through Wheaton ($$$$) without Him making it possible.
He has made it possible.

So, I am readying myself for some big changes. And I'm not even going to get into the whole they-grow-up-so-fast bit. Though, they do.
I still remember sitting in the hospital while Brian went back to our apartment to get the car seat, so we could take Elizabeth home. It doesn't seem so long ago that I was dropping her off at school for the first time. Or that she lost her first tooth. And started writing in cursive. And riding a two-wheeler. And going places without me. And, and, and...like I said, I'm not going there.

For today, I am just going to enjoy the fact that I still have a house full of CHILDREN.