*Whew!* This is Better

If you missed parts one and two of this post, go here and here to read them.

One of my co-workers was a major factor in getting me to seek this help. She has struggled with depression, herself, and takes meds for it. Guess she saw quite a bit of herself in me... And I remember her saying, "If this is what you need, you'll know it. You'll finally feel normal again!"
I have since informed her she was wrong. I told her, "I don't feel 'normal'. I have never felt this good before!" *wink*

Seriously.

For as long as I can remember, I have simply thought negatively about myself. If something went wrong, I figured it must be my fault. If someone did something better than me, I reasoned I wasn't good enough. And if I didn't measure up in a certain area, I took it as proof that I was sub-standard.
I wasn't unhappy all the time. I enjoyed much of my life. But when it came to thinking about myself, well, it usually wasn't a pretty picture.

As I read the book my doctor recommended, I gained understanding about myself - about why I am like I am. I learned practical things to do in order to produce rational thoughts. And, though I don't fully understand how it works, it seems like the medicine I'm taking helped me slow down - gave me time to think rationally, rather than falling into my regular pattern of immediately condemning myself.
I remember when Brian first noticed a difference. He commented, "I said something yesterday, and as soon as it came out of my mouth I regretted it. I knew it was going to make you start crying. But you didn't even respond!" Honestly, I couldn't recall what he'd said.
Contrary to that example with Brian, I still hear what people say. I still realize I am not perfect. I still don't clean my house from floor to ceiling every week. The difference is, I've learned to think rationally, and now I don't comdemn myself for those things.
I talk to myself a little more now. Like when I realized on the way to work one day that I'd forgotten the gas card, and wouldn't be able to fill up on the way home. I said out loud, "That's OK, Karen!" I do that a lot, actually. Reminding myself that little short comings, and things forgotten, are not going to bring the world to a sudden end. Kinda like I'm living in one big perspective check. LOL
But I like it this way. I feel better about myself. Feel like I finally have control over my emotions. And I'm able to function so much better - at work and at home. (Crying uncontrollably takes a lot of time, you know! *wink*)

So, that's my story. Well, kinda abridged, but you got the important parts.
I welcome your comments or questions. But, realizing someone may not be comfortable with the public nature of commenting, I want to invite you also to email me. My hope in sharing my story is that someone who is suffering alone may be encouraged to open up and get help. If you want to continue the conversation privately, I would be happy to receive your email.
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I had a couple requests to share the title of the book I read. It is The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook by Edmund J Bourne, PhD. To be honest, there were parts of the book I laughed at. Brought back memories of Saturday Night Live and the guy who looked in the mirror saying how much he liked himself. And there were parts that I had to gloss over because they were way too self-centered for me. (Yes, even me. LOL) But to be able to glean truth and wisdom, even common sense, was a huge blessing. Especially the parts about faulty thinking.