Lessons From the Edge

Even rainy days have bright sides.

I took a group of residents to watch the Lansing Lugnuts play baseball on Wednesday. It was a noon game so we had plans to eat lunch at the ballpark, and hopefully watch the Lugnuts bring home a win.We've had this date planned for almost a year, and I have been hyping it up to the residents, recruiting them to sign up and come along for a good month now.
So, Wednesday arrived, we loaded up the bus and went to the ballpark, found our seats, ate our lunch, and stared at this for over an hour.

Yet, even while we waited, this is what I got to see.

A little rain wasn't about to dampen the spirits of these folks!

And even after we got back to Edgewood - after sitting in the ballpark for over two hours watching rain instead of baseball - one of the residents commented to me, "Well, at least we didn't see the Lugnuts lose today!"
Indeed, even rainy days have bright sides.

Messy Me: Part 3

So, I went through a weekend which was supposed to be fun, but seemed more like a pit to me.

But God used it for good.

In the days that followed, I had good conversations. Healing, even. And I came to some realizations which are strengthening my resolve to be mentally healthy.
*It really is OK that I need my meds. A mental illness is just as worthy of treatment as a physical illness.
*Feeling good is normal and OK. This one took a little more time for me to understand. For as long as I can remember, I have had some sort of guilty feeling when things have gone well for me. Like, I had trouble admitting that I had a nice nap, or that I fully enjoyed an afternoon alone. Somehow, I always felt it necessary to find something which had gone wrong - so when a person asked how my this-or-that was, I could give a less-than-good report.
It seems depression has shaped my thinking for far too long, and warped my sense of what is good. Such that I thought "bad" was the only thing "good". I am finally coming to understand that it is good, and normal, and OK to feel good.
*Therefore, when I take my meds and I feel good, that's OK. I have increased my dosage so I am no longer taking nearly nothing. I feel a lot better. And I am asking God to help me find the level which is best for me.

My story is not finished yet. I know my struggle is not over. But God sees the end. HE sees Messy Me, and HE knows how it is all going to be resolved. I am trusting Him with every breath as I wait for the conclusion to be Written.
************************************************************************
It has been a joy and a privilege to share my depression story with you here this week. Depression can feel like a very lonely road, and I pray my openness has been encouraging to some.
Even freeing.
Blogger tells me more people have been reading these posts about depression than my other posts typically reach. And that increase tells me this subject matters. We need to talk about it. We need to get rid of the stigma depression has held for so long!
Even so, I realize some of you may feel uncomfortable leaving comments here (And I totally understand!) so I want to invite you to email me. There's a link on the sidebar to the right.
Really.
If you need to talk, I am happy to listen and pray!

Messy Me: Part 2

OK, where was I?
Ah, yes! I decided to try reducing the dosage of my anti-depressant.

Going from being a person who cries all the time, to one who never cries was a little weird for me.
I thought something was wrong because I didn't cry at times I deemed appropriate. (Sad movies, touching stories, etc.) I began to label myself as "artificially happy". Because I didn't think it was normal to feel good most of the time.
So I began taking less of my meds. My goal was to be able to cry at the appropriate times, without falling into the pit I was in before - when I cried uncontrollably.

When I was at the point of taking nearly nothing, I thought I was good - because I hadn't fallen into that pit. However, I soon discovered "no-uncontrollable-crying" was not a good standard by which to measure how healthy I am.
I was camping with some friends when the realization hit me. No one was being "unkind" to me, but I kept hearing remarks which led me down the path toward negative self-talk.
Not to worry, though! I knew how to tell myself the truth about those remarks. I knew how to combat my tendency to operate with a depressed mind. And I was successful.
No fits of uncontrolled crying!
Yet, as I moved through the weekend, I found myself totally unmotivated to do anything. I was worn out and all I really wanted to do was sleep.
Just be alone, and sleep.
I'm not sure when it occurred to me, but at some point in time I realized what was going on. Yes, I was combating the negativity my mind was hearing. I could go through the appropriate exercises. But it was totally exhausting me! The mental and emotional gymnastics I was performing took a physical toll on me, too. When I finally sat down to talk about it with a friend, the flood gates opened up. And I was not at a loss for tears.

While at the time that weekend seemed like its own kind of pit, when it passed I could totally see God using it for good. Annnnnnd, that's what I'll write about tomorrow.

Messy Me: Here Goes!

OK, so part of the reason I said in yesterday's video that I would write about my depression journey this week is - so I'd do it!
I've been thinking about it a lot, meaning to write about it, but just not taking (having!) the time to follow through. HOWEVER, yesterday I said it, so now I'm doing it.

For those of you who don't know, in the spring of 2011 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. In retrospect, I think I have probably been struggling with it all my life but I just thought that's how I was. I thought it was normal to feel the way I felt. But the tender and loving pushes from some instrumental people in my life convinced me otherwise, and I finally went to see a psychiatrist.
The result of my doctor's visit was that I began understanding anxiety and depression. I started practicing how to think correctly. I embarked on a journey of learning how to talk myself out of the negativity to which I had grown so accustomed.

AND, I started taking an anti-depressant.

There it is. Big and bold and stand-outish. I take an anti-depressant.

I was so afraid to begin the meds. So ashamed of what people might think. Oh, I had no problem with other people needing anti-depressants. But I thought if I needed them, my faith must somehow not be strong enough. There must be something seriously wrong with me as a human being. It was just another indicator to me that I am not good enough.
So, my Mr. Wonderful went and filled my first prescription for me. (Because I used to work at the pharmacy, and I was too embarrassed to let my former co-workers know that I am such a mess.)

It took some time but, when the meds began taking effect, I could not believe the difference they made for me. Instead of immediately resorting to my old way of negative thinking and self-deprecation, I felt like the medicine gave me time to think reasonably. It was like a whole new world had opened up to me. And I was loving it!
However, as time went on and I had conversations with some different people, I began to believe it was not a good thing for me to be on my meds. (Really, I was just hearing their opinions. And not thinking rationally.) So after I'd been taking them for a year, I took myself off of them. I figured: I had a year under my belt of practicing positive self-talk and reasonable thinking. It was time to see if I could do it on my own.

Uh, I couldn't.

A family trip to Disney, and trying to stay positive in my own (lack of) strength convinced me - I had just conducted the dumbest experiment of my adult life.
I returned to taking my meds.
And I swore to myself I would never try that again.

Except about a year later, I decided I would just try reducing my dosage. *ahem*
I'll pick up there tomorrow.

GOD Knows the End of the Story

Lessons From the Edge

Purple makes everything fun.

We had a Purple Party at Edgewood this week. It was a fund-raiser for the Alzheimer's Association. And since "their color" is purple, I decided to throw a Purple Party!

I can almost hear you asking, How do you have a Purple Party?

It's really quite simple, actually.
You paint golf balls purple, and have a game called Purple Putting.

You gather bowls and chopsticks and purple objects, and have a game called Purple Pass.

You buy purple bean bags and find a purple bowl, and play a game called Purple Pitch.

If your party-goers are really adventurous, you can also find a couple of wheel chairs, purple balloons and energetic volunteers and have a relay game called Purple Push.

Find a singer who is willing to wear purple.

Be sure to ask your volunteers and party-goers to wear purple.

And, don't forget the purple cake!

Yes, do all that and you're sure to discover: Purple makes everything fun.

He Makes Me Smile

The other day, this picture fell out of my Bible.

I held it and looked at it, and just smiled. Smiled for his funny face. Smiled for his silliness. Smiled for the memory of how hard the photographer at church tried to get a "nice" picture of Matthew with his "First Grade Bible". Smiled for the recollection of God's faithfulness through the journey of raising this crazy kid. Smiled for the hope I have in God's faithfulness for the future of this journey.
For so many reasons, he makes me smile.

Why are you smiling today?

My Outdoorsman

I've told you before my Josh loves some fishin'.
Have I also mentioned he's taken to making videos of his fishing expeditions and posting them on Youtube? He's got quite a nice channel going - from fishing to turtles.
And this proud momma?
Feels like showing him off today.
I picked this video to show you because I love the intro Josh put together for it. He's so clever! Wonder where he gets it. *ahem!*

Sooooo, here's my outdoorsman!

Was I Like That?

My kids were all at summer camp last week.

And they had a great time!

I am always anxious to hear about their camp experience, and especially about the relationship they developed with their counselors.
While I know I - as their mother - play a key role in their spiritual growth, I am also fully aware of the benefit of having other people speak Truth and love into their lives. And that is one of the reasons I love camp so much. Because I know godly men and women will love on my kids in a way I - as their mother - cannot.
So I was absolutely delighted when Elizabeth told me how much she loved her counselor, Kristen. Elizabeth told me that Kristen was super pretty and had a beautiful singing voice, but the part where she really lit up was when she told me that Kristen really loves God. Really!
I was looking forward to meeting this counselor, but Elizabeth told me Kristen had left the day before camp ended. Kristen's brother got married this past weekend, and Kristen left early to attend the wedding. Elizabeth said, "It was so sad saying 'Good-bye' to her!" And I could tell my daughter had developed a strong affection for her counselor. I could tell Elizabeth was inspired by Kristen's love for God, and that she was encouraged by the love Kristen had obviously poured into her. And it warmed my heart.
Thanks, Kristen, for being the hands, feet, and heart of Jesus to my girl!

My thoughts went back to summers 21 and 22 years ago - when I was a counselor at the same camp my kids attend - and I wondered, Did my love for God and the girls in my cabin show so brightly that the girls beamed when they talked about me to their moms? Did I shine for Jesus when I was a camp counselor? Was I like that?

Just as quickly my thoughts came back to 2013, and I asked, Am I like that now?

Every day, with every interaction we have, we're given the opportunity to be the hands, feet, and heart of Jesus to other people. Let's shine for Him!

The God Who Sees

Lessons From the Edge

Ice cream is good for you.

Anyone else missing the cold days of winter?
OK, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. But it is so.stinking.hot this week! And, in all seriousness, we need to take special care of our elderly population when it's like this.

So, in the name of taking care of our elderly population, my boss sent me on a special mission this week.
I was taking a group of residents to Target. (We go there once a month so they can do some shopping.) And just before we left, Laura gave me money with instructions to stop on the way back for ice cream. Oh, if you could only have heard the expressions of delight coming from the bus when everyone found out they were going to get FREE ice cream!

We seemed to get through Target in record time, then boarded the bus and went across the parking lot to Steak & Shake. I ordered shakes for everyone and we sat in the restaurant sharing smiles, stories, and laughter. For that 20 minutes, or so, no one would have thought by observing our group that it was miserably hot outside. For just a little while - sipping ice cream shakes - all was right with the world.

And that is why I now believe, ice cream is good for you.

HE Runs

Originally posted August 1, 2008.

It has delighted my heart to have God show Himself to me in so many ways - thus leading to this "HE" series, which I never intended to start...but I have to go where He leads me! I have been so grateful to God for the ways He has spoken through my most recent post, HE Comforts. If you missed it, click on over and let God speak His love to you.

I woke up this morning, knowing I needed to go running. I have sort of been too lazy busy to run much over the past week or so, and before not running becomes a habit again I knew I needed to get going.
So I did.
As I ran, and enjoyed my iPod, I prayed, and realized how much I was enjoying being with God. Really. I talked with Him and just knew He was running with me.
When I was getting tired and wanted to quit I prayed and asked Him to give me strength, and - seeing the parallel - I asked Him to strengthen me in mothering when I'm tired and I want to quit there, too.
As I was going up a hill, and really wanted to quit, I asked God to call me onward and push me forward. I prayed, Be before me and behind me. Then I smiled and added, And beside me.
I continued on and God brought several people to my mind for whom I needed to pray. As I was getting more tired and thought more about quitting, God was reminding me of friends in tiring situations who are having a hard time persevering. So I prayed for them. God reminded me His power is made perfect in our weakness, so I prayed that He would display His power in the lives and circumstances of these friends of mine - in the midst of their weakness.

I ran a little bit longer than a 5K this morning, and it delighted my heart to consider that HE runs. God was with me every step of the way. It was a sweet time of fellowship as His Spirit prompted me to pray for people and as I truly sensed Him giving me the strength to continue on. And the thing is, God doesn't just run.
HE cleans bathrooms.
HE goes shopping.
HE changes diapers.
HE prepares meals.
HE goes to work.
Whatever you are doing, no matter how mundane, no matter how "nonspiritual," God is right there with you. And I believe He longs to have fellowship with you in every.single.moment.
God is before you, behind you, and beside you. Enjoy His presence today!

HE Doesn't Need Options

Originally posted September 9, 2009

Have you ever talked with children about prayer? When we do lessons about prayer in Sunday school, we tell the children that when we pray God will always answer us. Always.
Sometimes He says, Yes.
Sometimes He says, No.
And sometimes He says, Wait.
It's a straight-forward lesson, and the kids seem to get it. The answer will be yes, or no, or wait.

Well, I have recently been praying about something and had become quite frustrated because I didn't think God was answering me. And I didn't get it! I was loving toward Him. I was sincere. I didn't think I was being selfish. All I asked of Him is that He would either confirm or deny the concern in my heart.
But He did neither.
And one evening I expressed my frustration about the situation to Brian. I said, "I just want an answer!!!" Brian looked at me lovingly and said, "Maybe He's saying, Wait."
I sat with that thought for a few seconds and replied, "But I didn't give Him that option. I asked for a confirmation or a denial!"
That's when it hit me. HE doesn't need options. God does not need me to suggest which answer is the best one to give me. HE, alone, knows what is best.
Oh, sometimes I challenge God regarding what He knows is best. Sometimes I forget who I am, and I think I know better than Him. But He is so patient. He waits for me to willingly wait. And in His perfect time (which might not take as long if I would just "get it" a little sooner!) He gives me the Yes, or the No.

How are you doing today? Are you waiting, too? Or fighting the wait? Are you wanting to give God options regarding how He can answer your prayers?
May He cover you with peace, as you trust that His answer is perfect.

HE More Than Knows

Originally posted on June 8, 2011.

I just started the New Testament in my read-thru-the-Bible-in-a-year program. And I was quickly reminded of an encouraging Truth.

Years ago I found myself pondering the notion that Jesus understands everything I go through in life. And I began wondering. Began doubting. I mean, how could HE understand me? Jesus was never a mother.
How could He possibly know what it's like to have children needing 'this' and 'that' and don't forget 'the other thing'? How could He really know what it's like to feel so desperate to find time alone? Surely Jesus never wanted to change His name so He could go unnoticed. Right?

Love that HE knows what I'm thinking. And knows how to answer.

In the midst of my questioning, I heard someone speak about Mark 1:21-45.
And I was amazed. Jesus does, indeed, understand what my life as a mother is like!
So as I read this passage again last week, I smiled and said to Him, You do know. Ahhh, Jesus, You more than know!

Go ahead and click on the link to read it for yourself, and see what you think!

HE is Enough

Last Thursday my day was filled with visiting Wheaton College with my daughter, and driving back to Michigan. (We drove out there Wednesday evening.)
Saturday I had a family get-together at my house.
Sunday we took our kids to summer camp.
Needless to say, blogging was not something I had time to do. ***big understatement***

Soooooo, this week I am visiting my archives for you and bringing up five posts from the category HE - Knowing God. I pray God will speak to your heart about Himself through these words.
Enjoy!

Lessons From the Edge

You shouldn't mess with fireworks.

If you've been around older folks for any amount of time, you probably know they often repeat themselves.

If you've been around older folks for any amount of time, you probably know they often repeat themselves.

Heeee heeee!

Anyway, you probably know this fact.
Well, last Saturday I was at work, and heard lots of repeating. And I do mean lots. I was in the atrium painting signs for a party we're having later this month, and D was there, too. He was reading the paper. Apparently, there was an article about a woman who had been injured on the Fourth of July. Seems emergency personnel found her laying in the middle of the road after a mishap with fireworks.
I know this, because D read and re-read that sentence several times.
And after each recitation of the news article, D exclaimed, "Why would she do that? You shouldn't mess with fireworks. Those things are dangerous. You shouldn't mess with fireworks!" Sometimes he threw in a comment to the effect that this woman should have known better, but he always finished his statement with the same refrain: "You shouldn't mess with fireworks!"

I have to admit, eventually it became sort of comical listening to D.
Don't get me wrong - He's a charming man. I love him to pieces! However, there came a point when I wanted to tell him I got the message, and I was pretty sure every one else did, too. He could move on to another article.
And a new rant.
But I didn't say anything. I just smiled and let him keep on going.

And now I am pleased to bring you a PSA - from D and me!

You shouldn't mess with fireworks.

You're welcome. *wink*

This Stupid Thing I Have to Do

I was doing some writing a week ago and, when I opened my Documents folder to find my work, I noticed something I hadn't seen before. It was a file called, "This Stupid Thing I Have to Do."
I did a double-take at the title and thought, Hmmmm. Not sure what that's all about.
And I moved on.

I figured it was work one of the kids had saved on the computer from a school project, or something.

A few days later, it all became clear.
You see, Brian and I have given Joshua an assignment this summer to read a book and write a response to each chapter. We came up with this idea as a result of his end-of-the-year report card. Rather than punishment (i.e. taking away privileges) for a poor grade, we wanted to give him a task which would benefit him - from which he might actually grow and learn something valuable. So, Brian picked the book (How to Win Friends and Influence People) and we gave him the assignment.
Annnnnnnd, it would be a major understatement to say, "Joshua was not excited about our choice of assignments."
So, when I opened up my computer to read Joshua's responses to chapters 1, 2, and 3, and I looked at the title he'd used to save his work, I understood. Of course. "This Stupid Thing I Have to Do" was Joshua's assignment. I should have known...

Honestly? I don't really care if he thinks what we're asking him to do is stupid.
*I know we're doing it for his good.
*I know there are some good things he can learn from that book about attitude and the way he relates to people. (His family!)
*I know it would be a useless waste of moaning and complaining if we simply took away electronics.
*I am trusting - one day he will understand. And maybe even be thankful for our efforts to help him grow!

And, I am open to suggestion for another book. He's almost finished with How to Win Friends and Influence People, and we've yet to decide on the next one. Thanks. *grin*

Today I'm at The Point

I have had the pleasure of meeting a few blog friends in person, and Leah Adams is one of them. I love her heart for Jesus and for women! So when she asked for readers to share their faith story on her blog, I was only too happy to participate. I am delighted to share HIS heart and my story with the other women who enjoy Leah's blog.
Please join me over at Leah's so I can share my faith story with you, too!

Humbled. In Aisle 16.

I heard my phone ringing and dug through the groceries sitting on my purse to get to it.

Brian was calling.
"Hola!" (I don't know why I always answer my phone in Spanish. But I do...)
Once he discovered I was still at the grocery store, Brian wanted to know if it was too late for me to get him some shaving cream. Technically, it wasn't. I mean, I was still at the store. But I was nearly finished. And shaving cream was completely on the other side of the store!
Even so, what could I say? It's too far for me to walk?
So I got a few more items from my current aisle and then trucked across the store to the HBA department.

Just as I was about to reach for the shaving cream, I heard my phone again. Only now it was more buried by the recent items I'd grabbed and by the time I picked it up, I'd missed the call.
This time it was Joshua, and I pressed a button to call him back.
"Uh, Mom, are you still at Meijer?"
I wanted to say NO. "Yes."
"Hey, could you get me like four cans of corn?" (He uses corn for bait when he fishes for carp. They like the smell. Did you know corn is the most fragrant vegetable? I learn so many interesting facts from my young fisherman!)
"What about the three cans I bought you the other day that are sitting in the garage?"
"I just want to have a bigger supply. Please, Mom?"
"OK." *Hmph!*
It was just about at this moment when I began to think cell phones are not such a great invention.

I picked up the shaving cream and turned around to go back to the other side of the store - to the BACK of the store where the canned vegetables are located. As I trudged along I began to compose a text in my head which I thought I'd send out to my entire family.
It went something like this:

Unless the thing you need from the store is in an aisle I have not yet come to, it IS too late for you to ask for anything else. You know right where the paper is upon which to write the things you need from the store each week. This call-me-in-the-middle-of-shopping-and-send-me-all-over-the-store gig has got to stop. Love, Mom xxooxxoo

Just as I was pressing 'send' in my imagination I picked up the cans of corn and proceeded to the end of aisle 16. Where I saw the baked beans. And realized I had forgotten to get them the first time I was at this end of the store. Even though I had them on my shopping list.
So I grabbed a can and put it in my cart.
Then it occurred to me, if Joshua hadn't sent me for the corn? I would have left the store without baked beans, and would have been really frustrated one evening when I went to the cupboard and didn't find them there.
I smiled at God for the little goose chase on which He'd just led me.
I stood there thankful.
And humbled. In aisle 16.

Sometimes Hard Times Draw Us Closer

Lessons From the Edge

A mother's love never grows old.

Last Friday we were having a birthday party in the dining room. We'd gotten to the time for our sing-a-long and I was standing in the back of the room, uh, singing along.
As I glanced out into the atrium, I saw someone I didn't recognize and walked out to see if I could help him find someone. This man told me he was E's son (I could see the family resemblance!) and that he would wait until she was finished at the party. So I returned to my place in the dining room - which just happened to be right by E. (I love her, and choose to be next to her frequently. *grin*)

What happened next absolutely blessed my heart!

We finished one song and E looked up from her lyric page. She saw her son standing in the atrium and gasped, "My son! That's my son!" And the smile on her face was so big, it almost didn't fit.
He waved at her to indicate she could finish singing, and I stood by her enjoying the brightened light in her eyes.
When the party was over, I saw that 80-something-year-old woman move faster than I've ever seen her move before, as she glided to the atrium to hug her son. It was a beautiful sight. Absolutely beautiful.
And when I had cleaned up from the party I walked over to the two of them just to say,
"Thanks for giving me such a beautiful sight today."
At which time E said, "This is my son! I have eight great sons!"
I smiled at her and said, "I know!" And I do know. Because she has told me about them before.
And in that moment, looking at E beaming by the side of one of her eight great sons, I was fully convinced:
A mother's love never grows old.

Declaring My Dependence

It's the fourth of July!

And while the rest of this nation is celebrating our Declaration of Independence, I am here to declare my dependence.

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one Man to die in order to dissolve the chords of sin which have destined His loved ones to an eternity in Hell, and thereby take on the punishment for their sin - setting them free and reuniting them with their Father in heaven - a reasonable response from those loved ones requires that they should declare their gratitude and devotion to the One who died for them.

I find these truths to be self evident, that I am a sinful woman without hope and without a future - except for the love and mercy shown to me by God through His Son, Jesus Christ. --That the blood Jesus shed on the cross was enough to cover my sins (and yours!) and bring forgiveness for all mankind. --That I have been made new by the grace of God through Jesus. --That the Holy Spirit now lives in me, and leads me in every day. --That apart from God, I can do nothing. --That God is perfectly faithful and I can trust Him. --That I now have hope, where there was no hope before.

I therefore solemnly declare by the grace of God that I am a free woman, absolved of all allegiance with the enemy of my soul; and by the power of the Holy Spirit I may declare War on my enemy at any time. I furthermore declare my intention to follow Jesus Christ with my whole heart, all the days of my life on this earth - while relying on the Holy Spirit's power to enable me to walk in His ways.

Wanna add your signature to this Declaration?

The Real Deal

Have you ever gotten one of those emails containing a touching story - which seems almost too good to be true? You know, so perfect of a set up and application that you figure it must be a made up story? Or am I the only skeptic?
Well, the story I am posting below is the real deal. It comes from a friend of mine. Her brother is the pilot telling the story.
Enjoy!

So I had to fly today. I was taxiing out in my 24000 lb 30 seat aircraft. The reason I bring up the size of the aircraft will be relevant in this story.

As I taxied out of the ramp, I saw a bird squatting right on the center line and in a position where we would definitely kill it if we continued with take off. I slowed down thinking the bird would move. I slowed down more. The bird got up and exposed she was covering 4 babies. These babies were each about the size of a golf ball.

But here is why I am telling you this story. The mother, faced with a vehicle that is a billion times over her size, turned and charged the nose of the aircraft. At this point, I had set the brake and radioed the tower that I would be holding for a moment. The airplane I fly has two 10 foot props on it and is the noisiest, most menacing thing on the ramp and the mother of these birds was determined to give her life in the smallest possible chance to save her children.

So I sat there and finally figured out how to get out of this standoff. I can put the props of this aircraft on reverse. So I did and gently blew the babies out of harm’s way. The mother to the end of this stood her ground and never showed any signs of moving until it was apparent that her babies would not be harmed.

All in all it has been another blessed day for all of God’s creatures!

So what did I learn this Sunday morning on a day I have to fly and can’t be in God’s house? A mother’s love would face total destruction and death to defend her children. This is the same love a man named Jesus Christ had for you when He gave His life knowing it would save yours.

On Patience

Lessons From the Edge

What you do and say today matters.

I was talking with the daughter of one of our residents this week. She was sharing some difficulties she has with one of her brothers and I was taken back by the anguish in her tone of voice.
As she was wrapping up her complaint she said, "Well, that's what happens with a mother treats her son like..." Though she didn't share any details, I could hear the pain in her heart. Hurts which stem from 50 or more years ago, and seem to still be growing today.
To hear this woman's mother talk, you would think they lived a perfect life. I know she loves her children. She speaks freely about how she enjoyed being a mother. But somewhere along the way, something went wrong. Something injured her daughter, and the wound is still festering. I don't believe for one second that L intentionally said or did anything which would harm her children or cause lasting pain. But, clearly, something went wrong.
And, although I felt powerless to do anything to help, I felt empowered by the lesson I was learning: to be intentional about the things I do and say, that they may make a positive impact and have a lasting influence on the lives of those around me. Especially my children.

Are you tracking with me? I imagine you are just like me in this regard - not wanting to wound another person with careless words or actions. So, let us resolve together to live intentionally, on purpose, making every effort to build up and encourage the people God has put into our lives. Let's make their tomorrow wonderful by our behavior today.

What you do and say today matters.

In the Midst of the Storm

We've had some rainstorms rolling through mid-Michigan.

Last night my husband and I got poured on as we took a walk.

This morning there was a good amount of thunder echoing through the sky.

Even as I type this post, the sky is gray and cloudy. And there is a steady rain falling.
Not really the kind of weather which has me excited about doing much of anything except sitting snuggled in my blanket. Safe inside.

But the windows are open and, when I pay attention, I can hear something else besides the falling rain. Outside in the trees there must be three or four, maybe five different birds singing back and forth to one another. The sound is beautiful. Happy, even. As in, if I closed my eyes and focused on only the song of the birds, I would picture a bright, sun-shiny day - full of hope and promise.

I listen to the birds, and hear not even a hint of concern in their song. I wonder what they're saying to each other. Are they thankful that the worst of the storm is past? Perhaps the birds are glad for the rain, because they know that soon the worms will surface and they can feed themselves and their babies.
OK, I really have no idea what they're trying to communicate.

But one thing I do know.

Their song is joyful. Yes, peaceful. Even though the sky is gray and the rain still is falling.

And if I listen with the ears of my heart, it is as if I can hear God speaking through their song. It is like HE is saying, I see your storms. I know all about them. The ones raging within you, and the ones coming at you from the outside. But you do not need to fear the storm. I am bigger. I am more powerful. I am LORD - even of your storms.
See the birds? They are not afraid of the rain or the wind. I care for them in every season and every circumstance. They can sing in the midst of the storm.
You can, too, dear one.
Come, hold My hand. Stay by My side. Find your peace in Me.
I've got this storm.

What are you hearing today?

I Don't Really Want to Trust God

OK, confession time.

I don't really want to trust God.

All this time, I thought I did. But recently I realized quite the opposite is true.
I was thinking about some struggles I'm facing and was praying as I wrote in my journal. I wrote, LORD, I really want to trust You, but... and I was about to write "I just wish I could see how this was going to work out."

As I thought about what I was saying to God, it hit me: I don't really want to trust God.
What I really want is to see and be sure of the outcome.
What I really want is for all uncertainty to be removed, so I can carry on in my life without concern for how my circumstances are going to be resolved.
I want to be able to read the end of my story ahead of time.
At the same time, I want to be able to say I'm trusting God.

In my moment of admitting to myself what was really true, God showed me the reality of what it means to trust Him: If I could see how my circumstance was going to work out, I wouldn't need to trust Him. If I knew the when, why, and wherefore, there would be no room for trust. I would have no need of faith. I could be secure in my own knowledge.
And I began to realize how lonely that would be.
*Just me, relying on myself and my knowledge.
*No need to seek my Father for guidance or insight or comfort - because I would know it all.
*I would have no reason to cling to Him, as I do now.
*I could just go along my merry way, knowing exactly what to do and expect. No surprises. No uncertainties. No need for faith.

Oh, I love that God knows my heart, my thoughts, and my every need.
I love that HE knows just how to reach me.
Because after the time we spent while God spoke to me about what it means to trust Him - and what it would mean to know it all myself - I realized, I actually do want to trust Him. I need Him, and I want to keep needing Him. I don't want to be self-sufficient, an island unto myself. I have a Father in heaven who is writing my story, who knows what He's doing, and who is completely trustworthy. And, with everything I am, I want to continue holding His hand as HE leads me through this life.

How about you, friend? Are you struggling to trust Him? How can I pray for you?

I Won't Clean for You...

...Will you return the favor?

I read a great post last week on Lisa-Jo Baker's blog about the things we moms can do for each other. And, while I appreciated the entire thing, there was one sentence which stood out to me above all others.
What can you do to encourage another mom?
How about "Not cleaning up before she comes over."

Does that statement resonate with anyone else as much as it does me???
I mean, seriously. I don't believe I am the only mom who struggles with feeling overwhelmed in just about every aspect of life. And when I go to another mom's house and it is spotless, well? Let's just say I have to really kick the positive self-talk into high gear.
*It's OK that your kitchen is cluttered, Karen. That doesn't make you a failure mom.
*Don't feel bad that your floors aren't free of dog hair. You aren't a loser.
*Ignore the perfectly arranged family room. Your worth comes from Me, not from your home.

But when I go to a friend's house and there are dishes on the counter, and toys on the floor, unfolded laundry in a basket in the hallway, and maybe spots of dried milk on the kitchen table? Well, I feel relaxed and comfortable.
I feel like she understands me.
I feel like the pressure's off.
I feel like it's OK to be me.
I feel like giving her a hug and saying, "Thanks for not cleaning up for me!"

I am totally not opposed to cleaning my house.
But if you come over, and the house is cluttered? Please know it's because I love you and I don't want you to feel pressured. *wink*

HE is Writing Your Story

Some Reading While I Rest

I had a great retreat last week, and am thankful for a time to rest.

But it occurred to me I could leave you with some reading while I rest from blogging. I made a quick visit to my archives to bring up some of my favorite posts for you this week.

Monday: This is Hard - One of my first video devotions, from November 30, 2008.
Tuesday: 100 Things - Not so random facts about me, from May 11, 2007.
Wednesday: I Forgot! - In retrospect, this should have been my first clue about Matthew's attention difficulties, from May 16, 2007.
Thursday: Bath Time - Makes me laugh remembering this event, from January 22, 2009
Friday: This Week's WORD - A good thought with which to end the week! From May 8, 2009.

Lessons From the Edge

You've got to accentuate the positive.

This is one of the songs which plays frequently at Edgewood. And even though I *ahem* get a little tired of hearing it, I must admit it's a catchy tune. And I found myself singing it to some residents last Friday.
We took a trip to an airfield nearby to watch radio controlled airplanes fly. The event was called WarBirds and Classics Over Michigan, and it was fun for our residents to look at the planes. (Especially some of our veterans. I thought one man would have tried crawling into the plane if no one was watching. And if he was able to shrink himself to nine inches tall!)
It was great hearing them reminisce.
The not-great part was the weather. It was quite chilly. And breezy.

BUT, it wasn't raining.

Last year when we came to WarBirds and Classics Over Michigan, not only was it chilly, but it was also raining. And we didn't get to see any planes fly.
So this year, whenever someone commented about the temperature, I said, "At least it isn't raining!" And I started to sing...You've got to accentuate the positive.

How can you accentuate the positive today?
***************************************************************
Just so you know, I took my retreat day yesterday. So the blog will be resting next week.
I'll be back on the 17th.

A Not Scary World

Last week I got a phone call from a woman who had read an article I'd written. We were having an enjoyable conversation when the subject of school came up. She was surprised to learn that I do not homeschool my children. Like, really surprised. She asked if I send them to a public school, and when I told her I do she asked, "Isn't that scary?"

In the midst of that conversation - for a very brief moment - I revisited my feelings of I'm-not-a-good-enough-mom-because-I-don't-homeschool, but God quickly and graciously took me past my faulty thinking. And I responded with a confident, "No."
No. It isn't scary to send my children to a public school.
*My daughter leads a Bible study in her public school and is shining the Light of Jesus among her classmates.
*I know there are Christian teachers at all the schools. My children have been in the classroom of several of them.
*My son told me recently about his science teacher affirming her belief that life begins at conception. He thought that was remarkable enough to tell me about it several hours after he'd heard it.
*I've had good conversations with Christian parents of other kids who attend our public school.
*And I've had the opportunity to be in the lives of and pray for kids who would not be in our lives if my kids didn't attend public school.
Besides all those factors, I thought of the fact that I met Jesus and HE saved me while I was attending a public university. At a university where partying, drinking, and sexual promiscuity were the norm, Jesus sought me out and captured my heart.
Even now, I live in public. We all do! And there is no need to be scared. (OK. It can be scary to consider some of the things going on in our world today. I often find myself asking Jesus to hurry up and come back!) The reality is, Jesus is alive and active in the public world just as much as He is in our privacy.

HE is too big and too powerful to be confined to our safety nets.

I am so grateful for that phone call, the conversation I had with that young mother, and the ensuing reflections through which God has led me.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

Inadequate, or Inspired?

My husband is quite a stud.

Have I ever mentioned that before?

He works out almost every day. And works hard.
A couple of years ago he started doing this thing called Cross Fit, and he really enjoys it. He likes going to the gym and "kicking the butts" of the young 'uns. (Those 20-something studs, and even some Marines. *proud wife*)

So, a few days ago Brian was watching an event from the Cross Fit Open online. This particular competition involved workouts with high weights, high difficulty, and high repetition. And the athletes were amazing as they tackled the routine.
After watching almost the entire event, Brian said to me, "I am feeling incredibly inadequate right now." And I replied, "So, why are you watching that?"

"I'm looking for inspiration."

Oh, did I ever understand!

Brian's comment - about feeling inadequate while he was looking for inspiration - sounded just like me during my years in MOPS.
I was so hungry for inspiration, yet after nearly every meeting I had the same response. "I will never be as perfect as the woman who just spoke to us."
*I remember hearing tips about getting your child to obey 'Right away. All the way. And with a happy heart.'
*I listened to women talk about how to decorate our homes 'just so'.
*And let us not forget the women who talked about scheduling and activities which would make your child a little genius.
All those women seemed to have it so together. Everything was all figured out, and they were well on their way to "happily ever after".
And I? Was left with the feeling that I would never be as perfect as they were.
I was looking for inspiration, but I felt incredibly inadequate.

Now, I know those speakers who came to my MOPS group had good things to say. They were all godly women, but I was dealing with my own issues which prevented me from hearing the inspirational things they were saying. The truth is, I needed someone to tell me I wasn't alone in my struggle. I needed someone to tell me what I was going through didn't make me a loser-mom.
I needed someone to point me to Jesus and show me how HE could bring hope and peace to my circumstance.
I needed to know it is OK to not be perfect.

And that is why I am so thankful God has given me the opportunity to share my story with other moms. To confess my struggles and testify to the goodness of God as He brings beauty out of my mess. I cannot begin to express what a delight it is to hear these words from a mother who needed to hear my story: "I'm so glad to know I'm not alone!"

Jesus, please keep speaking through me so overwhelmed mothers know - they are not alone!

You 'da Man!

I witnessed the cutest interaction a couple of nights ago.

Matthew was sitting at the table playing games on the computer when Elizabeth came up from the basement. (She had been down there working on a project all evening.) Seemingly out of the blue, Elizabeth asked Matthew if he wanted to come downstairs and play his video games in the basement.
A bit confused, he looked at her and asked, "Why???"
"Because it's cooler downstairs. You'll be more comfortable...And I don't want to be alone. My imagination is playing tricks on me."
She probably flashed him a puppy-dog look at that point, too.

Matthew is a very accommodating guy, and it didn't take him too long to agree to Elizabeth's request. So she turned and bounded back down the stairs.
Looking up from my place in the kitchen, I said to Matthew, "She needs someone brave and strong to protect her. And you're just the man for the job!"

I only wish I had a camera ready to capture the look of pride on Matthew's face, as he gathered up the computer and went to the basement to stand guard over his big sister.
It was priceless!

A Picture of Grace

Lessons From the Edge

Charm and lots of personality, can overcome twang and lack of punctuality.

We had a country singer come to our birthday party last week. This was the second time he has come to Edgewood. The fourth time I've had him scheduled. (The first time he didn't come, he got stuck in a snow storm somewhere. Don't remember the reason for his second cancellation.) So when I got a phone call from his manager just a few hours before he was due to arrive, my heart sank a bit. Fortunately, it wasn't another cancellation. Simply a report that he'd gotten held up in construction, to let me know he'd be late.

Even before M arrived, I had decided I wouldn't be hiring him again. He comes from far away, and it just didn't seem to be working. Cancellations and delays don't fit well with me or with residents who tend to show up 15 minutes early for everything.
I served birthday cake and explained that M was on his way. Hoping I could keep everyone interested enough in staying, so M wouldn't be singing to an empty room.

The concert began shortly after M's arrival, and the residents seemed to quickly forget about the time they'd sat waiting. Smiles covered their faces, toes were tapping along with the beat, and several of them were singing along.
That was all nice, but I still wasn't planning on hiring M for another program somewhere down the road. Did I mention he's a country singer? Not my favorite kind of music. In fact, in a room full of 80 and 90-somethings, I had a feeling I wasn't the only one aching for some Big Band tunes.

However, when the concert was over M walked around the dining room, greeting all the residents who had come to listen. And with each interaction he had, I kept hearing the same thing: "Oh, please come back again!" "I enjoyed your performance so much!" They exchanged hugs and hand shakes and lots of kind words, and I realized the residents had easily forgiven the tardiness. They didn't seem to mind the twang. M won their hearts with his charm and personality, and nothing else really matters.
Looks like I'll be hiring him again, after all.

Charm and lots of personality, can overcome twang and lack of punctuality.

Dog Lessons: Part 3

Go to the Comforter.

It used to be that Mindy had a kennel. She slept in her kennel, and that is where she stayed whenever we left the house.
But then she got really weird about it, so we quickly got rid of the kennel. And Mindy had to find a new place to sleep.
She chose Joshua's room. He made a comfortable nest for her right under his bed, and she was a happy dog. Every night when he goes to bed, Mindy faithfully follows.

The other day as I was getting ready for work, Mindy took her usual day-time position. She likes being where the action is so, while I had my breakfast and gathered my things for work, she was laying on a blanket in the corner of the family room. I think she felt comfortable there - watching me do my thing.
When I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse, Mindy got up and slowly walked to the steps - looking at me with her sad eyes as if to say, "Mommy, don't leave me alone again." I said my usual, "Good-bye, Mindy. Have a nice day!" And as I opened the door to go into the garage, Mindy ran downstairs.
I knew where she was going.
She was headed straight for Joshua's bed - where she would stay all day when no one was in the house. Yes, she would be alone. But I knew the familiar smell of her beloved big brother would comfort her little heart.
And she would be OK.

What do you do when you're feeling alone and sad?
May I suggest applying this lesson from Mindy? Go to the Comforter!

Dog Lessons: Part 2

You can't hide disobedience.

It can happen one of several ways.
*I might hear the familiar click of Mindy's claws as she lands on the wooden floor while I'm walking down the hallway toward the family room.
*Sometimes I hear the her dog tags jingle just as I'm about to open the door and walk into the house.
*Every now and then I notice the corner of the couch is warm, even though no one else is home so I know there hasn't been a person sitting there.
*And other times, it's simply dog hair on the cushions which blows her cover.

Whatever the form of revelation, I know Mindy has been on the couch. Even though she knows she isn't supposed to be there. And honestly, sometimes I sort of laugh to myself about it because I wonder, Does she really think I don't know what she's doing?
Because even though I don't see her doing it, I totally know!
That little dog is going to have to get a lot trickier if she thinks she's going to hide her disobedience from me.
*She might start by installing carpet so I don't hear her claws hit the floor every time she jumps off the couch.
*Perhaps she should take her collar off so her tags don't jungle when she jumps down.
*It might be a good idea to pull a blanket up onto the couch with her, which she takes down with her as well - to insulate the cushions from her warm body.
*The blanket would help with the dog-hair-left-behind issue, too.

Or, maybe, she could just stop laying on the couch.

So, I have to ask. Is there disobedience in your life which you think you can hide from our loving Father? Because He's been reminding me via my interactions with Mindy that HE can see it - even if we think we're being smart enough to cover it up.
You can't hide disobedience.

Yet, just like I keep loving that little mutt (in spite of her laying on the couch), God reminds me His love for us remains. Unconditionally.
And when we choose to obey, we find HE knew the best way all along!

Dog Lessons: Part 1

I'm beginning a mini-series today.
Lessons I'm learning from my dog. Lessons about life, and faith in God - which HE is speaking to me through this little mutt, who has captured my heart - in spite of herself. *wink*

How long will this little series last?
I have no idea.
Let's just take it one day, er, one lesson at a time.

Lesson #1: When you're stuck, follow the Leader.
Mindy has a long leash which pretty much gives her access to the entire back yard. I think it's a 30 (maybe 40?) foot leash, and it's attached to a cable which runs from the deck to the shed. It allows her to go all over. And she loves to explore!
Problem is, sometimes her wandering leads her in circles and she ends up restricted in her movement because she's tangled herself up around a tree or the swing, or some other plant. And in those moments my normally-hyper-dog becomes quite pathetic. She lets out her woe-is-me yelps until someone comes to help her out of her mess. (That someone is usually me...)
So I go outside, assess her situation, and then lead her backwards through the mess - until she is untangled and can run free again. And it's in the untangling that I have learned this lesson.
You see, sometimes Mindy has to go through some uncomfortable things during the untangling. She might have to squeeze under a low bar on the swing, or walk around the tree two and three times, or squeeze under that bar yet again. But I've noticed she never questions me when I'm leading her through the obstacles. Because she trusts me, and she knows from past experience that I will ultimately lead her to freedom. So she keeps following.
And when she makes it through, her little tail wags happily and I usually get some kisses.

OK, my friend, it's time to apply the lesson I learned from Mindy.
Do you see the parallels for our lives? For the times when we get stuck in our own messes?
I'm not the only one who ever gets stuck, am I?
Each time I go out to lead Mindy out of her stuck-ness, it is as if God says to me, Karen, do you see how this little dog is trusting you to lead her? Do you see how she obediently follows you? (Don't start with Me about how she got herself into this mess, dear. You know all too well, you've done the same thing.) Just like you can see the solution to her problem and she can trust you to bring her out of it, so it is with Me and you. I see you and I know everything about your circumstance. I will lead you through your mess. I will get you un-stuck. You just need to trust Me.
When you're stuck, follow the Leader.
I love you!

I Want to Hear HIM